GOOD LORD

Feds to God: Prove You Exist

The FEC wants God to prove Himself or get out of presidential politics.

God is more than a concept by which we measure our pain—He is also a Republican presidential candidate in trouble with the Federal Election Commission.

On Aug. 31, the FEC sent a letter to God’s campaign treasurer (also named God) at His kingdom on Hylan Boulevard in Staten Island.

“It has come to the attention of the Federal Election Commission that you may have failed to include the true, correct, or complete committee name, candidate name, custodian of records name, treasurer name, and designated agent name under 52 U.S.C. & 30103(a) when you filed FEC Form 1,” FEC campaign finance analyst Aimee Wechsler wrote.

“Knowingly and willfully making any materially false, fictitious, or fraudulent statement or representation to a federal government agency,” Wechsler informed God, is “punishable,” and the FEC, “may report apparent violations to the appropriate law enforcement authorities.”

God, who submitted His paperwork to the FEC on Jan. 4, has 30 days to prove that He exists. If He fails to do so, His candidacy will be officially terminated.

The FEC is no stranger to sending threatening letters to famous names.

In 2016, Satan and Jesus Christ have found themselves in trouble. So have Captain Crunch, Darth Vader, Luke Skywalker and, of course, Deez Nuts.

It’s unclear how the FEC plans to determine if God exists. Reached for additional comment, the commission proved to be completely humorless and devoid of faith. After transferring this reporter to three different departments, they finally concluded the only thing they had to say could be found in the press release section on Fec.gov. In response to what the FEC says is an “increase” in fraudulent filings, they announced in August an “interim procedure staff” committed to cracking down on pranksters and, apparently, deities.

Either way, God is no stranger to meddling in presidential politics.

Candidates often claim they are running because God told them to. Just this week, former Congresswoman Michele Bachmann, who herself ran for the Republican nomination in 2012 after a pep talk with the Creator, claimed that “God raised up” Donald Trump, who famously admitted he’d never asked God for forgiveness, to become the Republican nominee.

The Daily Beast attempted to locate God by calling the phone number He provided to the FEC, but it had been either changed or disconnected. Two emails sent to addresses provided by God on His Statement of Organization went unanswered. The Daily Beast then tried reaching God through prayer, which was not immediately effective. This story will be updated if we hear back.

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Olivia Nuzzi

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