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Found: Roseanne Season 2, the Lost Episodes
In which our columnist reveals the riveting, pathos-filled episodes of Roseanne that we’ll never get to see, thanks to those globalist snowflakes at ABC.
With the cancellation of ABC's Roseanne reboot, America has been engulfed once again in one of our periodic (and by periodic I mean “daily”) cultural-political bonfires. The temptation to engage with the last 48 hours of Trumpian excess, mad capering, and feces thrown from the gilded monkey cage of the West Wing is powerful, and the forces of the Distraction Economy tempt us into doing just that.
We could discuss how Roseanne is infected with the same strain of dumb conspiracy disease that has eaten the brains of much of the GOP base like a memetic Creutzfeldt-Jacob prionic parasite. We could mock the social media meltdown over Kim Jong Don meeting with Kim Jong Kim in the Oval Office. We could hold up the ludicrous Trumpian defenses Roseanne’s tweets about Valerie Jarrett to ridicule. “But Bill Maher compares Trump to a baboon, so Roseanne is totally not racist comparing a black women to a monkey” is a bad look, people. I’m trying to help you here.
Sure, we could worry about the desperate, fawning, oh-please-love-me need of today’s Republicans to have some celebrity, any celebrity, embrace Esoteric Trumpism. We could talk about how that led the Trump and the GOP into bed with a crank like Roseanne. We could ponder why King Stompy Foot of the Kingdom of Delicate Egos is ragetweeting apology demands to ABC.
That would be fun, but it would be missing the big story. The big story is how the cancellation of Roseanne endangers a vital cultural window into red-state America and how the Liberal Snowflake Globalist Soros-Progressive Deep State Antifa Supersoldiers, Bilderbergers, Illuminati, and Lizard Alien Overlords who run ABC have insulted the Real America and the President of Real America.
What Americans don’t know is that the creative process for Season 2 of the new Roseanne show was already well under way. Sadly, they’ll never see the light of day. The episode summaries that were leaked to me today are a cultural treasure, a deep insight into Trumpmerica, and some Emmy-worthy television, believe me. Many people are saying it.
Season 2 Episode 1 PIZZA
Dan and Roseanne go deep undercover on a secret mission to stop Hillary Clinton's child cannibal sex slave ring hidden in an innocuous Washington pizzeria. After she and Dan are trapped by Hillary’s pantsuited minions, there’s a brief, decisive gun battle where John Podesta is killed by a random gunman who read about it on Infowars. The episode ends in a heartwarming group hug with the tens of thousands of child sex slaves held in the restaurant’s subterranean sex dungeon. Hillary escapes in her robot exoskeleton, setting up a story arc that leads us to the next episode.
S2 E2 CITRONELLA
On the hunt for Hillary, Roseanne finds herself in Charlottesville, Virginia and learns a heartwarming lesson about the economic anxiety driving American youth. It seems that Obama’s Islamofascist multicultural police state forced -- forced -- these white-polo-and-khaki-clad young men to engage in torchlight parades, vehicular manslaughter and racial assault. It’s sad we’ll never see the hilarious scene where Dan thinks Richard Spencer is chanting, “Juice will not replace us.” Comedy gold! It’s a feel-good episode that really captures the way society marginalizes and victimizes white supremacists, Neo-Nazis, Pepe fanboys, pot-gutted, four-toothed Klansmen, and incel anime enthusiasts.
S2 E3 FISH PEOPLE
In a delightful real-life crossover, Roseanne find herself guest-hosting an episode of InfoWars Action Alert QAnon News Hour. She knows only Alex Jones can help her get back on the trail of the real killers of Seth Rich. Roseanne has to move fast, and rely on her plucky, workin’ class wits when Alex Jones accidentally drinks fluoridated water, is caught under the path of a Deep State chemtrail, and mistakenly forgets to take his InfoWars MegaBlast TestestoSlam Super Vitamins. Jones and Roseanne form a fast friendship when she teaches him a valuable lesson about how Wal-Mart heavy duty tin foil is just as good as the name-brand stuff.
S2 E4 NEIGHBORS
Roseanne, Dan, and the rest of the Conner clan are home for an off-arc story. In this episode, the Conners have new next door neighbors, a wacky same-sex couple. Dan may not be comfortable with it, but when Roseanne invites Steve and Stephen to dinner, the comedic sparks fly! Steve Bannon, the older man of the couple teaches Roseanne about Julius Evola, and Dan teaches Stephen Miller how to use a torque wrench. It’s a tragedy we'll never get to see the deadpan moment when Miller was going to break the Fourth Wall and say, “I’d rather learn how to use a surgical saw.”
S2 E5 DOWN MEXICO WAY
Hot on Hillary Clinton’s trail again, Roseanne, her sister and daughter head south of the border. Roseanne explains to Jackie and Darleen that they’re going undercover to bust the links between Hillary Clinton and MS-13. The episode’s set-piece sight gag is Roseanne, her sister and daughter in sombreros, ponchos and fake Olde Timey Mexican Bandito moustaches. It’s a laugh riot! Trapped in Mexico after a fierce gun battle with Hillary, Bill, George Soros, and Zombie Saul Alinsky, the girls have a series of hilarious comedy hijinks as they try to cross the border. They’re stymied by Donald Trump’s Wall at every turn!
S2 E6 Q-ANON
Roseanne and Dan receive a summons from the mysterious QAnon. This episode really speaks to the forgotten working men and women of America, as Q helps Roseanne learn all about what’s really going on just below the surface! (And it’s spelled “J-E-W!”) Imagine the fun when the Conner clan eagerly bring their down-home working class values to 4chan, 8chan, Reddit, and Gab! Sadly, we’ll never see Roseanne patiently explaining to Dan how incel shitlords are the key to really making memes real and America great again.
S2 E7 BLT
Roseanne is worried that the Conner family is in too deep. Dan is spending too much time partying with Anthony Scaramucci. Their daughter is trying too hard to dress, look, and sound like Ivanka. In a moment filled with homespun pathos set in the Trump Hotel in Washington DC, Roseanne is sitting alone in the BLT Prime Restaurant. The script had a to-camera monologue that would have been great. It gets to the heart of what Trump Country cares about: how the tax bill’s carried-interest deduction and hedge-fund carve-outs really helped lower-income families, the threat of globalist Jew neocon warmongers, Trump’s awesome new trade war, the Deep State, MS-13, uppity NFL players who won’t kneel, the lying, liberal MSM and why she loves the taste of snowflake tears. It would have really spoken to the needs of working people.
No scripts were produced for the final three episodes, though we have learned their titles:
S2 E8 MUELLER TIME
S2 E9 CIVIL WAR
S2 E10 JONESTOWN
Rick Wilson is a Republican media strategist, and author of the upcoming book “Everything Trump Touches Dies.”