Herman's Gotta Catch 'Em All
After announcing the suspension of his campaign Saturday, Herman Cain let supporters know he was moving on to “Plan B”—which by the sound of his closing statement that quoted lines from Pokémon: The Movie 2000—is fixing the economy one PokéBattle at a time. Cain's questionable choice of parting words also raises another question: if Herman Cain is Ash Ketchum, does that make Obama and Pelosi Team Rocket?
Libya Sends Cain Twirling
Herman Cain has had his fair share of mind blanks, but it's not his fault—he's just "got all this stuff twirling around in [his] head." Error after error, his 2012 campaign is beginning to fall apart the way pizza does when the little white table in the middle just doesn't do its job. Watch as the former frontrunner gets his own Rick Perry "oops!" moment trying to take a stand on Libya.
Cain's Cuban Missile Crisis
There are Cuban sandwiches, there are Cuban cigars, but there is no Cuban language. Making a stop in Miami, Herman Cain attempted to indulge in the local culture by trying some treats and, err, speaking the language. He asked how to say "delicious" in "Cuban." Maybe if the Cain train doesn't make it to the White House, it can head to Cuba for some linguistic invention.
Anita Better Sense of Judgment
While the Cain campaign isn’t exactly shying away from Clarence Thomas comparisons—if we only had a nickel for each time we’ve heard the phrase “high-tech lynching” in the past two weeks—this probably wasn’t the association they were looking for. During a campaign event Thursday in Kalamazoo, Mich., Cain made a crack about Anita Hill, wondering aloud whether or not she would “endorse” him. When asked Friday by Neil Cavuto, Cain justified making the comment: “It was hilarious!” A tip for the GOP presidential hopeful: if you have to explain why a joke’s funny, it probably wasn’t that good to begin with.
Herman Cain Is Royally Funny …
But hopefully that doesn’t get him royally screwed. At Wednesday’s GOP debate, Cain expressed his frustration with Obamacare, lamenting that alternate health-care legislation never made its way past former Speaker Pelosi—or as he quipped, “Princess Nancy.” Ignore the fact that the term “princess” is only socially acceptable for those with the last name Middleton; instead, note how long Cain stood by the joke, even, according to The New York Times, tweeting it from his official account (the tweet has since been deleted). Cain did eventually apologize for the remark, saying that it was “a statement that I probably should not have made.” But when reporters asked him why he felt the need to retract the comment, he said, “So you all could stop asking me about it, OK?”
A Candidate on the (Electric) Fence
If you can’t take the zingers, get off the electrified fence. During an October campaign stop in Cookville, Tenn., Cain delineated a key component of his immigration policy: an “electrified” fence along the U.S.-Mexican border complete with “barbed wire,” and a sign on the Mexican side “that says, ‘It Can Kill You.’” After intense media backlash, Cain issued his mea culpa, reassuring the press that it was all just a big joke. Except, you know, one he wouldn’t “walk away from” being true.
Cracking Black Walnuts With Herman Cain
When Sarah Palin wrote Herman Cain off as a "flavor of the week," Herman Cain balked. He took to The Tonight Show on Sept. 30 to let Jay Leno know that he’s not just a temporary candidate: he’s more substantial, like Häagen-Dazs’s Black Walnut. Maybe Herman Cain hasn’t done his grocery shopping in a while, but according to a spokesperson from Häagen-Dazs’, the black-walnut flavor was discontinued two years ago. However, the flavor did enjoy a four-year term from 2005 to 2009. If only Herman should be so lucky.
Getting Gloria Allred on the Cain Train
Some comments to avoid while fighting sexual-harassment charges? Jokes about other illicit sexual behaviors. Especially when those behaviors involve paying a woman for sex. Especially when said woman is Gloria Allred, famed women’s-rights lawyer and representative for one of the sexual-harassment accusers. Maybe he was just trying to keep up with Allred’s feisty one-liners about what the candidate does with his "stimulus package."
Herman Cain Gets Saucy
Or, rather, cheesy. Herman Cain’s now infamous pizza jam isn’t cringe-worthy in a "telling a misogynist joke in response to accusations of sexual harassment" kind of way; it’s more in a "watching your dad do the macarena in public" way. Herman Cain takes John Lennon’s beautiful song about universal equality and makes it into an ode to, you guessed it, pizza.