OK, so here’s what the Royalist hears is happening at the London 2012 Olympics opening ceremony on 27 July.

It’s all top secret, hush-hush under wraps, so if you don’t want to ruin the big surprise, then perhaps it would be better to stop reading now rather than write in the comments box later what a miserable curmudgeon I am, ruining people’s fun etc etc. Just an idea, but hey, whatever turns you on.

So sources say that as the lights go down for the big opening ceremony a week on Friday, a short film will begin, which will be shown on giant screens at the Olympic stadium and on TV at the same time. It features everybody’s favourite special agent, James Bond aka Daniel Craig, arriving with a crunch of gravel at Buckingham Palace. He makes his way inside, and the next clip is THE QUEEN HERSELF tapping Mr Craig on the shoulders and uttering the immortal words, “Arise Sir James”.

This is the first time the Queen has ever enaged in a fictional scenario on camera.

Sir James is then given a special mission, to open the London 2012 games. He heads outside and jumps into a waiting chopper, emblazoned with a Union Jack. This then speeds up the Thames, flying underneath Tower Bridge (the footage was filmed in sunny June).

Back at the stadium, the air is filled with the sound of whirling helicopter blades, as the very same chopper now magically appears above the stadium in real time, assuming it is not shot down by the surface to air missiles located on a nearby London tower block. A hatch opens. A rope drops.

AND DANIEL CRAIG ABSEILS INTO THE STADIUM!!

It’s going to be mega, folks, it all kicks off a week on Friday and you heard it here first.