If Jennifer Lawrence were to find out that "Jennifer Lawrence"—that brassy ball of fun who regales all the patrons at the pub with stories about shitting herself while eating copious amounts of fried food—was dating Chris Martin, we like to think that Jennifer Lawrence would laugh.
"You guys joshing me?" she might say. "That shiz is cray cray!" she'd laugh. And then you'd whip out your iPhone and pull up that snarky tweet your friend wrote linking to the E! Online report suggesting that this shiz, though cray cray, does appear to be true.
According to their report, the one known as J. Law and the one know as That Guy From Coldplay Who Was Married to Gwyneth Paltrow have been seeing each other since Ms. Law split with her on-again/off-again boyfriend Nicholas Hoult in June. The former Mr. Paltrow, you'll remember if you're a consumer of any kind of Internet news, "consciously uncoupled" from the Oscar-winning GOOP maven in March.
This conscious uncoupling was a big deal because WTF is that even. And also because they had been married for over a decade, have children together, and many saw this as proof what many have long expected: that living with the woman who purportedly subsists on vegan tofu crudités, wisps of positivity, and self-manifested shakra may have truly been as insufferable as it sounds.
Oh would Jennifer Lawrence laugh at this news of who "Jennifer Lawrence" is dating. She would laugh at this, you see, because we have decided that Jennifer Lawrence is not just our favorite Hollywood dream BFF, but she is one of us. Nay, she is all of us. And like the legion of obnoxious gossip mongers who are snickering in their 140-character salons, she would find the fact that Chris Martin moving on from a partner with a reputation for pretention, rigidity, and unattainable clean living to one who is best known for falling up a staircase while winning the most respected prize in the arts and flicking off the press soon after poetically hilarious.
From the uptight, insufferable bitch to the cool It Girl, you go Chris Martin! That's what everyone (or at least those I follow on Twitter) think.
The thing is, though, this kind of attitude is not very nice. Hating on Gwyneth Paltrow and judging her self-appointed lifestyle ambassadorship is so passé. (It's all about judging Blake Lively now.) And let's not pretend that if it were any other Hollywood starlet shacking up with a (much) older man while still not divorced from the wife and the mother of his kids, we would be publicly shaming her as some sort of vicious jezebel with a SAG card.
It's ok to obsess over this news. We love celebrity news! The only thing better than dreaming about the life we'd lead if we were rich and famous is being snootily judgmental about the life choices of those who already are.
So laugh about this bit of tabloid news. Laugh because you might find it funny. Laugh because it's such an utterly bizarre partnering. Laugh because you’re Jennifer Lawrence and if there's one thing Jennifer Lawrence likes to do, goddammit, it's laugh.
But don't laugh because you're being mean. Jennifer Lawrence would hate that.