“Please, stay calm. The process is working,” announced Jimmy Kimmel.
Yes, the late-night host kicked off his monologue by reassuring his viewers that the ballot-counting going on was merely democracy in action—despite the endless whining of one Donald J. Trump.
“They’re still counting the votes, whether Donald Trump likes it or not. But it would appear that our Burger King has been flame-broiled for good. We are watching a presidency bleed out in real time,” cracked a gleeful Kimmel.
But Kimmel began getting more fired up as he described the president’s steady stream of lies surrounding the election results, including a number of tweets alleging the mail-in ballot process was fraudulent (despite the fact that the only two major cases of ballot fraud in the crucial swing states of Pennsylvania and Nevada were committed by Trump supporters attempting to cast extra votes).
“There was so much false propaganda coming out of Twitler’s bunker today,” explained Kimmel, including Trump tweeting, “ANY VOTE THAT CAME IN AFTER ELECTION DAY WILL NOT BE COUNTED.”
“By the way, a lot of ballots that come in after Election Day are from our troops serving overseas, and the irony of a draft-dodger trying to negate those votes is more delicious than the 12 little dunk-cups of honey mustard he dipped his McNuggets in today,” he added.
Then there was the matter of Trump’s highly disturbing press conference today, where the president emerged after nearly two days out of public view to baselessly proclaim, “If you count the legal votes, I easily win.”
“Well, that’s a different type of concession speech,” said Kimmel. “This was—I won’t bore you or give him the pleasure of showing what he said tonight. But the only thing he didn’t do is pull off his wig and reveal that he’s been Vlad Putin all along. It was a litany of lies, threats, just a despicable and incoherent attack on democracy in the United States. At the end of that speech, he should have been arrested.”