There are three indisputable truths when it comes to Donald Trump: He is tacky, his hands are small, and he is a very, very sore loser. The most notable moment from the third—and blessedly final—presidential debate came when the former reality-show host turned demagogue confessed to the nation that, should he lose in the general election to rival Hillary Clinton, he would possibly object to a peaceful transfer of power (thereby undermining our democracy).
“I will look at it at the time,” bellowed Trump. “I will tell you at the time. I will keep you in suspense.”
This outrageous cliffhanger made John Oliver lose his marbles on Sunday’s edition of Last Week Tonight.
“What do you mean, ‘You’ll keep us in suspense?’ This is a presidential election not an American Idol results show!” shouted an incensed Oliver.
Later during a rally, Trump—who’s claimed, without a shred of evidence, that the 2016 presidential election is “rigged,” even though it’s he who’s been advocating voter intimidation at the polls and has been the beneficiary of hacking conducted by a hostile foreign actor (likely Russia)—announced he would “totally accept the results of this great and historic presidential election… if I win.”
You see, the odds of voter fraud are terribly slim. A comprehensive 2014 study found that, out of approximately one billion votes cast between 2000 and 2014, there were just 31 credible instances of voter impersonation. Trump and the right-wing media are conflating voter registration errors and actual voter fraud.
After dinging his poor performance at the Al Smith charity dinner, where Trump was loudly booed by the well-heeled plutocrats in attendance, Oliver addressed what he felt was the “one revealing moment in Wednesday’s debate when Hillary Clinton hit something of a nerve.”
Cue Hillary: “There was even a time when [Trump] didn’t get an Emmy for his TV program three years in a row and he started tweeting that the Emmys were rigged against him.” “Should’ve gotten it,” interrupted Trump.
Yes, Trump in fact did whine ad nauseum about how The Apprentice, a reality show that featured the likes of Gary Busey and Meat Loaf participating in a series of boring business tasks, never won an Emmy Award. He called the award show “dishonest,” “pure politics,” and said it had “no credibility,” echoing his complaints about the presidential election.
“Of course—of course!—he wants an Emmy. It’s a woman, it’s gold, and it’s proportionate to his tiny hands. It’s basically Trump’s ideal mate,” joked Oliver. “Here’s the problem here: It increasingly seems like if Donald Trump loses, we are not going to get the concession speech that the country badly needs, because he is medically incapable of accepting that he is a loser. So we need to find a way for him to give a concession speech while he’s still able to claim that he won something. And I think I might have the answer here, because I have a proposition for Donald Trump: Let’s bet on the outcome of this election. I will take the side that you win and you take the side that you lose, that way, if you lose, you still win. As for the stakes of the bet, I have something I know that you want.”
With that, Oliver whipped out his Emmy Award—Last Week Tonight has won three so far, including for Outstanding Variety Talk Series and Outstanding Writing for a Variety Series at the 2016 Emmys—and proceeded to taunt Trump with the gold statuette, offering it up in exchange for a concession speech. “You don’t even have to take her furniture shopping!” he quipped, alluding to the infamous Access Hollywood tape. “Take the bet, Donald. Take the fucking bet.”