When it comes to Justin Bieber there is, let us be honest, a good number of the global population who would side more readily with Orlando Bloom (who punched him) than Hailey Baldwin (who married him, twice, without even getting divorced in between).
Despite his evident talents in the singing and marketing of pop songs, for every true Belieber there is another doubting Thomas who fervently believes that Bieber, when he recorded the song “Baby,” may actually have been referring to himself.
The Bieber-haters have now been given a new reason to scorn their antihero, after his wife, whom he married in a lavish ceremony last week, published a video of him doing a “so funny” (her words) impression of Taylor Swift awakening from eye surgery and failing to pluck the right banana from a bunch.
Well, what’s even funnier than that (and we don’t mean funny ha ha) is the idea that a global superstar whose wealth was estimated at $260m should spend his honeymoon trolling Taylor Swift in his kitchen and going for a quick swim in the sewer of social media rather than, say, scuba diving in the Galapagos islands.
Bieber’s lame little pop at Swift came days after Jimmy Fallon aired a genuinely funny video of the star getting very distraught over not picking out the banana she wanted following eye surgery.
Bieber’s interpretation of Swift’s recovery footage included him screaming “It’s not the banana that I wanted! It’s not the right banana! It has no head!”
“That was so funny,” Hailey says, in a really, really bored voice, the subtext of which could well be, “Why aren’t we scuba diving in the Galapagos, Justin? Why are we in the kitchen when we could be on a private jet?”
The dissemination of the mean-spirited footage on social media was particularly ill-advised as Bieber—who, let us not forget, has spent much of the past two years busily trying to reinvent himself as a spiritually sound member of the Hillsong church—was forced to make a humiliating apology to Taylor Swift in June after an old video of him and manager Scooter Braun was reposted by Taylor, in which they are shown mocking Taylor in bro-tastic style with noted Taylor-troll Kanye West.
In a rare show of maturity and accountability, Bieber sort-of apologized, calling the video, accurately, “distasteful and insensitive” adding, “At the time I thought it was funny.”
Now, it seems, the spiritual moment has passed and he’s back to trolling Taylor.
This time, the sort-of apology, when it came, was made by his wife who made a lamentable sorry-not-sorry to offended fans: “Listen. I think it’s awesome how passionate you are and how hard you ride for someone you’re a fan of, it’s beautiful how dedicated you are. If there’s something I did to personally hurt you or offend you I’m sorry, it’s not my intention to upset you by any means.”
“But,” she continued (proving the wisdom of the old adage that everything before the but is bullshit), “being angry at someone you don’t know does nothing for you. I know cause I been there … all it’s gonna do is make you miserable. Don’t let ME of all people get you feeling that way. Trust me, I’m not worth the energy, nobody should be worth that energy!”
May we make a suggestion of our own, Mr and Mrs Bieber?
Two words: Galapagos. Islands.