L. Ron Hubbard: The First Tea Partier?

My two takeaways from Going Clear—HBO’s searing look at scientology dropouts (“searing” means “lots of blurry reenactments,” yes?)—were thus:

A) Tom Cruise’s ramrod posture should make chiropractors weep with admiration.

And B) L. Ron Hubbard hated paying taxes almost as much as he loathed gays.

L. Ron’s oft-repeated (by detractors) and disputed (by E-Meters) line of, “If you want to make a little money, write a book. If you want to make a lot of money, create a religion” is a behind-the-curtain explanation of why he turned his self-help ripoff of Aberactive Therapy into something 10 times more profitable once he stopped giving a percentage of prescribers’ payments to Uncle Sam. (Looking at you, federally-exempt title of “religion”!)

Sadly for Chub Hub, that dream would only be realized 10 years after his “death.”

While LRH was still carrying around his earthly, ascot-accessorized human form, he developed the Sea Org. This Dianetics-fueled special force encompassed three of LRH’s favorite things: ***true-believers earning “slave labor wages,” juvenile, naval uniforms that harkened back to the WWII career LRH always lied about, and—thanks to the watery wall of international waters—a get-out-of-jail-free card with the tax man.

Conversely, today’s Tea Partiers prefer military-themed garb of an earlier vintage and choose to avoid funding the Republic via the more legal route of, well, moving to Texas.

Speaking of Glenn Beck, the media/Mormon face of these Revolutionary War reenactors—he believes that his founding father, Joseph Smith, has the final say over whether you get into heaven, and that the always gossipy Jesus visited America shortly after His resurrection to talk shop with the Native Americans. In his book, don’t forget, sexual deviations are akin to murder, and—since the Holy Spirit goes to bed at midnight—all teen dates must end at roughly the same time.

Whereas L. Ron Hubbard, Clearwater, Florida’s gift-shop face of Scientology, believes that 75 million years ago, intergalactic ruler/scamp Xenu dumped a bunch of his own, exterminated citizenry into Earth’s volcanoes, due in part to a tax audit (!), which unleashed their pesky souls (i.e., “Body Thetans,” or “BTs” to those in the abbreviated know) who finally found a home on us humans and plague us to this day. But the even more prevalent belief is that celebrities are not like us.

And while Ted Cruz wants to build a wall to keep illegal Mexicans out, Scientology’s tiny emperor, David Miscavige, supposedly runs an on-campus gulag to keep poorly behaved adherents in.

In conclusion: This column has assured the fact that I will never work at The Blaze or in Hollywood. Thanks, Daily Beast!

In a more conclusiony conclusion: Don’t Tread On Me*, avoid SPs**, KSW*** and ****KJTS.

*Tea Party-ese for “F you, Government”.

**Scientologese for “Suppressive Person”

*** Ditto for “Keeping Scientology Working”

****Ditto, ditto for “Keeping John Travolta Straight” (OK, I made that one up.)