A new, unauthorized biography of the late chef and international traveler Anthony Bourdain paints a never-before-seen picture of the Parts Unknown star: one of pain and anguish before he took his life in the boutique hotel Le Chambard in France in 2018. Journalist Charles Leerhsen writes that, in his final days, Bourdain was injecting steroids, abusing alcohol, visiting prostitutes, barely seeing his 11-year-old daughter, and wrestling with isolation, career burnout, and a crumbling relationship with Italian actress Asia Argento. Texts shared in the book between Bourdain and his second wife, Ottavia Busia-Bourdain, reveal that Bourdain, 61, was struggling with the grip Argento had over his life. “I hate my fans, too. I hate being famous. I hate my job,” Bourdain wrote. “I am lonely and living in constant uncertainty.” Hours before he hung himself, he asked Argento if there was anything he could do to amend their broken relationship after she was snapped days prior dancing with French reporter Hugo Clément in Rome. “Stop busting my balls,” Argento wrote back.

If you or a loved one are struggling with suicidal thoughts, please reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), or contact the Crisis Text Line by texting TALK to 741741. You can also text or dial 988.