Their wedding was conservatively estimated to be a million-dollar affair.
So perhaps one shouldn’t be surprised that Pippa Middleton and her new husband, the multimillionaire hedge-funder James Matthews, aren’t pulling any financial punches when it comes to their lavish honeymoon, which began the day after their May 22 wedding and appears unlikely, on current evidence, to ever end.
Despite the term “dream holiday” being bandied around by the media celebrity complex, the Matthews-Middleton world tour of the planet’s finest white-sand beaches and safari parks is coming more closely to resemble a grueling, if glamorous, global photoshoot, and could be possibly the least chill honeymoon ever undertaken.
But this isn’t a honeymoon. It’s a Pippa-moon. And that is a very, very different thing; more of global gloat, a chance to show the world just how much smarter you are compared than your poor old sister, who can’t even go to Mustique without being hassled, than a chance to relax in the company of your newly hitched beloved.
The newlyweds kicked off their trip in French Polynesia after tying the knot on May 20 in Berkshire, England.
They stayed first of all, it is being reported, at the $4,000-a-night Brando resort on an island once owned by the actor Marlon Brando.
They were later spotted running in Sydney, in the company of a personal trainer, having flown in from Tahiti via New Zealand. Because, well, why not add an extra leg to an insanely convoluted trip? And why not go for a really expensive run when you touch down.
Now, few of us mere mortals would wish to arrive anywhere and go running with a specially booked personal trainer.
Personally, if I had paid $12,000 per night to stay in the top floor penthouse suite at the Park Hyatt in the Rocks area of Sydney, as Vogue alleged the young couple did, I’d feel guilty leaving my room, with its view of the Opera House and the Harbor Bridge, as to do so would actually be wasting me $500 per hour.
But Middletons are made of sterner stuff, and, dressed, according to media reports, in a Peak Performance pale pink “Crotona” T-shirt ($120), black leggings from the same brand ($140) and $150 Hoka One all-terrain Challenger ATR 3 trainers, Pippa bounced around the Opera House like her legs had grown springs.
Her rather weary looking husband followed behind, wondering, perhaps, exactly what it was he had signed up for in sickness and in health.
But for the relentlessly scheduled Pippa, downtime is a crime. They were hardly able to pass an afternoon in Sydney without hopping onto the nearest seaplane to go to a smart restaurant on the Hawkesbury river.
Then they spent three days last week at the luxury wild bush resort Bamurru Plains in Kakadu National Park, Darwin, before arriving at Perth airport on Thursday where, according to the Daily Mail, Pippa looked “bleary-eyed.”
Small wonder. The only people who do these kind of miles are rock bands, who at least have vast amounts of drugs to help them cope.
The weirdest thing of all about Pippa’s honeymoon, however, is that none of it is really necessary. James’ parents own one of the world’s most awesome hotels, the Eden Roc in St. Barts.
They could have just gone there, chilled out, ate some prawn and come home again.
The holiday, according to some estimates, has cost as much as $140,000.
And that’s not including the clothing bill or excess luggage account: One publication estimated that the 33-year-old’s travel clothes may have cost as much as $33,000. Hello! Canada broke down a mere walk along the beach as follows: “Lantern” poplin flounce dress from Kate Spade New York—$586. Persol “Typewriter Havana” sunglasses—$266. White Antibes bikini from British swimwear brand, Biondi—$368. Simple, Nike baseball hat—$35.
Before getting too excited about the numbers involved we should recall, of course, that there’s every possibility that Middleton and her new beau aren’t, despite their enormous wealth, paying retail.
The royal family are not particularly notorious for insisting they pay full price for everything—just ask Land Rover—and it’s quite possible that Middleton has been offered some generous discounts by her loyal pals in the hotel business.
Still, the tips alone on this trip would bankrupt the 99 percent.
Simple, $35, Nike baseball hats off, however, to Middleton, who does finally appear to have figured out that granny was right, and it is always best to smile when having one’s photograph taken.
Middleton had developed an unfortunate habit in London of ice-queening the paparazzi with a look that was 50 percent hauteur and 50 percent fuck you, which made running endless pictures of her on Page 3 even more irresistible than usual for the Daily Mail.
Middleton even managed to tell reporters she was having a “wonderful time” on her vacay so far.
And, as we all know, it costs nothing to be nice, does it?