Rope-Ghazi: What Difference Does It Make?

TO: Hillary For America SurrogatesFROM: Brooklyn HQRE: How to talk about “roping off reporters”

It has come to our attention that our opponents in the media have misconstrued our efforts to ensure Hillary’s democratic engagement with voters as “corralling reporters with rope.” As you know, this anti-Hillary spin could not be further from the truth.

Here are our guidelines for exactly how you should talk about this.

Protecting the reporters’ safety: Voters are so ready for Hillary they can be a bit overzealous. Hillary wanted to protect reporters from the attacks they might face from these everyday Americans, who might attempt to smear their lenses or muff their hair if anyone got too close to her. In fact, the reporters should be thanking Hillary for so thoughtfully protecting them. Did Jeb Bush every buy them a rope? No, I don’t think so.

The media are out-of-touch: Reporters following campaigns are happy to be cordoned off on luxury campaign buses and special front-row-view seats at events. They revel in this elite, out-of-touch status. Meanwhile, Hillary just wants to talk to regular folks who never had a chance to go to the Ivy League schools most reporters attend. (Note: If someone points out that Hillary went to Yale Law School, quickly talk about how Ted Cruz went to two Ivy League schools and was born in Canada.)

Creating jobs, one billion-dollar campaign at a time: The rope was made in America. The interns who were holding it were Americans. This is a testament to Hillary’s commitment to the working men and women of America, and proves Hillary will be a job creator, one rope at a time.

On America’s birthday, echoing America’s great history: Ranching and roping are as American to our nation as apple pie, and the campaign was cleverly incorporating this fundamentally patriotic iconography into the portrait of the candidate. Like the valiant pioneers of the Wild West, Hillary is a free spirit.

As President, Hillary Clinton will rope off our enemies: In this bold moment, Americans get to see what kind of Commander-in-Chief Hillary Clinton will really be. She has the fortitude and vision to rope off ISIS and Iran because, unlike with some hypothetical red line, you can’t cross an actual rope. (Note: If anyone brings up that we don’t literally have enough rope to wrap around Iran, immediately change the subject by congratulating the women’s World Cup team.)

And she will rein in special interests: If Hillary can corral the press as candidate, wait until you see how she herds special interests as president! Never mind how cozy she’s been with big business in the past. There is no way that Walmart and Wall Street can get around an actual thick piece of rope.

Republicans are anti-borders: Republicans only talk a big game about immigrants and the need for border security. But as we’ve seen from their reactions here, Republicans are clearly uncomfortable with boundaries and borders. Hillary will put a giant rope around America’s southern border and hold us all tight. A rope that will welcome all people except Donald Trump.

Calm down, people, it was just a rope: Or two ropes, technically. But if the world is complaining about something Hillary did, it must be Monday. Or Tuesday. Or Wednesday…. Come on! Could the media have climbed under or over the rope? Sure, if they weren’t too damn lazy. And if they weren’t so eager to have a story to whine about.

Donate $17.76 and get your very own “Hillary Rope’em Clinton Rope”: You, too, can be a freedom wrangler. Corral your kids, your in-laws, and even your confidential emails with a genuine Made in America piece of decorative twine. To appeal to Bernie Sanders supporters, it’s even made out of hemp.

And if none of this works, just go with: “What difference, at this point, does it make?” That kind of sentiment has worked well for us in the past.