“If you've been wishing for a pure democracy untainted by corporate money and religious nut baggery, congratulations, you got your wish!” Samantha Bee said at the top of Full Frontal Monday night. That’s right, her favorite Republican candidate Donald Trump ran the table in Saturday’s South Carolina primary.
“Yes, in South Carolina, Jesus slid on over and let racism take the wheel with three-quarters of primary voters agreeing that Muslims should be banned from the United States,” Bee said, before moving onto the “real battle” between “revival tent gollum” Ted Cruz and “first time chair user” Marco Rubio for second place. “Aw, look at him sit, he thinks he’s people!”
Then there is Jeb Bush, who recently suspended “what for want of a better word we'll call a campaign.” With Bush out of the race, Bee wondered if there is “anyone left to vote for who’s not bonkers.” Oh yeah, “moderate” Republican John Kasich.
“In the nauseating bus terminal restroom that is the Republican primary, John Kasich initially seems like the least disgusting stall,” she said. “Not appealing, per se, but at least not befouled by an unflushable toilet clog.”
Cut to a black and white montage of Kasich’s folks-iest stump speech lines that sound like something straight out of Leave it to Beaver. “But is Kasich really the huggable moderate he's made out to be?”
Bee set out to prove that he is not, citing his refusal to recognize same-sex marriages for out-of-state couples in Ohio. Then there is the abortion issue. The head of Ohio Right to Life has said “there's no candidate running for president who has done more for the pro-life movement than John Kasich." And he supported legislation that banned counselors from mentioning abortion to rape victims.
Kasich claims to be for abortion in cases of “rape, incest and life of the mother” but his Ohio laws include no such exceptions. When MSNBC’s Chris Matthews asked him to comment on Roe v. Wade, Kasich would only say that the decision “sort of legalized” abortion.
“The way you're sort of still in this race?” Bee asked. “You know, he has a point. All the other Supreme Court decisions apply to everyone, but Roe v. Wade only gives rights to women who don't live in states run by a governor on a stealth mission to control our baby ovens.”
Bee ended with a message to the GOP: “Take a closer look at John Kasich, because while these other chumps make empty promises to do awful stuff, the so-called moderate gets awful stuff done.”