SNL Mocks Jeff Bezos’ Penis: ‘Small’, ‘Splotchy’ and ‘Funny’-Looking

This week’s Saturday Night Live kicked things off with a parody of NBC’s Meet the Press, as host Chuck Todd (Kyle Mooney) welcomed Bishop Eugene Robinson (Kenan Thompson), columnist Peggy Noonan (Cecily Strong), and political strategist Donna Brazile (Leslie Jones) to the program. Instead of the numerous controversies involving President Trump, however, all Todd could talk about was Jeff Bezos’ dick—or rather, the news that the National Enquirer’s boss/parent company had attempted to blackmail the Amazon founder over pictures of his penis.

“You’re all highly respected journalists, so when all is said and done, what do you think Jeff Bezos’ penis is gonna look like?” asked Todd. “I know normally high-minded journalists wouldn’t talk about something like this, but it does involve the richest man in America and the president of the United States.”

First came Noonan, who offered, “When I hear ‘billionaire’s penis,’ I immediately think ‘small potatoes,’ you know. Like they say, if it’s small and looks funny, you better have the money, honey.”

“As a human being, I’m naturally curious: Is he working with something the size of an Amazon Echo or is it more of a Dot?” asked Robinson. Brazile, meanwhile, couldn’t believe her ears.

But Todd wasn’t done, proceeding to ask his guests about the “coloration” of Bezos’ penis, with Noonan arguing that it would be “splotchy” and “patchy” due to his running habits, while Robinson disagreed, saying that because of Bezos’ wealth, he must use “oils and precious minerals” to smooth over any coloration issues.

The Bezos-penis talk was broken up briefly by an appearance from acting U.S. Attorney General Matt Whitaker, played by the brilliant Aidy Bryant.

“I don’t have a lot of sympathy for Jeff Bezos because every time I post a photo of myself on Instagram it gets flagged as a dick pic,” Whitaker said.

Pressed on whether President Trump ever directed Whitaker to “interfere in the Russia investigation,” Whitaker replied, “You know what, Chuck, I’m going to say something that I left out of my testimony—and this is going to blow everything out of the water here. Mr. Trump actually called me and whispered to me…”

With that, Todd interrupted to inform the panel that Bezos’ dick pics had been leaked online—much to everyone (save Brazile’s) amusement.