‘BACK LIKE MEAN GIRLS’

SNL’s Donald Trump Begs His Supporters to ‘Just Stay Alive Till November’

The first “SNL” cold open of the year featured James Austin Johnson’s Trump recapping his very bad week.

Saturday Night Live was back this week for its first new show of 2024, with a cold open that was politics as usual. James Austin Johnson dusted off his Donald Trump wig to poke fun at the former president’s very bad week.

The segment opened with a press conference outside the U.S. District Court in Lower Manhattan, where Alina Habba (Chloe Fineman) attempted to settle down the crowd of reporters and make it clear to everyone that she’s “new at this” whole lawyering thing “and I am learning.”

Trump agreed, calling Habba “maybe the worst lawyer I’ve ever had, which is quite an accomplishment. Look at this team,” he said, gesturing to the line of attorneys standing behind him. “This is the bottom of the barrel, folks. This is who said yes. I’m in the lead for president, and this is the best I can get. Feels like a red flag, no? Well, you’re not getting paid, by the way. You know that, of course you do. All right, thank you.”

Habba said that Trump would not be talking about his current legal (re)dealings with E. Jean Carroll due to a gag order, and the GOP presidential frontrunner confirmed that he would be “abiding by this horrible gag order, so I will not be saying that the judge is an idiot, or where he lives, or what kind of crappy car he drives.”

“I didn’t know they still made Waggoneers,” Trump added.

But Trump had other things to talk about, like his landslide victory in Iowa last week—where he took 51 percent of the vote with seeming ease. But if there’s anything Trump loves more than bragging about winning “very big,” it’s insulting his political opponents. And he went all in on Ron DeSantis, who he congratulated “on a truly embarrassing showing. He went to 99 counties, but bitch couldn’t win one,” he said.

“Ron, you’re stupid,” SNL’s Trump stated. “Ron DeStupid. It just works. We’re going with Ron DeStupid.”

Though he had fewer words for “Darling Nikki Haley,” he made it clear that he wasn’t going anywhere. “Nikki—she thought I was done but I’m back in a big way. I'm back like Mean Girls. Where’s Lacey Chabert? Where’s Lacey? Left out of remake. So sad… But she’s doing great things in terms of Hallmark movies.”

Though Trump confirmed that he would not be doing any debates “and barely doing election,” he did make a plea to his voters: “Just stay alive till November. Stay alive till November, just pull that lever and drop dead. Why? Because I am sent from God, and God has a plan for me.”

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Jennifer M. Wood

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