In the first “Weekend Update” since the Parkland school shooting, Saturday Night Live’s Colin Jost and Michael Che went in on President Donald Trump and the NRA for conspiring to maintain the status quo on guns in America.
“During a bipartisan meeting to discuss school safety, President Trump called for more gun control. But NRA officials are now saying after a meeting with the president, he’s backed off that position,” Che reported. “Oh really? So he was alone in a room with a bunch of gun enthusiasts and he somehow changed his mind? You know that once happened to me. I once spoke out about gang violence, but then after a very private meeting with the Bloods on the roof of my building, I decided I disagreed with myself too.”
Jost, meanwhile, pushed back on the idea that we should be arming America’s teachers. “I tried to seriously consider that idea, but then I remembered I had Catholic nuns as teachers growing up,” he said. “And they definitely should not have guns. I mean, they were violent enough with rulers.”
But it was the news that Dick’s Sporting Goods has decided to stop selling assault rifles that gave Che the most hope. “Good, maybe now we can stop pretending that hunting is a sport,” he said. “Because it’s not. I’ve never seen a deer get shot and then grab his side and say, ‘Ah, good game.’ You can’t just make terrorizing animals a sport because you like to do it. If you get caught having sex with a deer, you can’t be like, ‘Unhand me, I’m an athlete.’”
“Shooting animals for sport is wrong,” Che continued. “There’s easier ways to feel strong and make your heart race, like smoking crack.”
Finally, Che told gun owners, “We can’t just let anybody have an assault rifle, the same way we can’t let any country have a nuke. I get the need that you want gun protection, but there’s a fine line between cautious and insane. There’s a difference between carrying a condom in your wallet and wrapping your entire penis in bubble wrap.”