After wishing his viewers a Happy New Year and telling them how happy he was to be back on the air after a two-week holiday break, Stephen Colbert got right to the “momentous, world-shaking events” that “everybody’s talking about.”
“The 77th annual Golden Globe Awards ceremony!” the Late Show host exclaimed, proceeding to gush over the “dazzling night of glitz and glamor and God help us we might be going to war with Iran!” From there, he highlighted “all the stars” who showed up in Hollywood “as we inch closer to yet another tragically ill-conceived military conflict,” including Salma Hayek, “whose Gucci dress featured a neckline that didn’t leave much to the imagination, unless you’re imagining an endless quagmire in the Middle East!”
“This is it, folks,” Colbert continued. “This is what’s been keeping you up at night for the last three years. It wasn’t the baggy suits. It wasn’t ‘covfefe.’ It was his ability to wage war with no understanding of the consequences.”
It was only then that the host explained the reason he was so “on edge” during his first new show of 2020: Trump’s decision to kill top Iranian military commander Qassem Soleimani. “Now, cards on the table, I don’t know if what Trump did was a good idea or a bad idea,” he said. “But I do know that it’s a big idea. And Iran is very upset about it.”
And now Trump has threatened to strike 52 Iranian cultural sites if the conflict escalates, one for each of the 52 American hostages held by Iran decades ago.
“He’s still mad about the Iranian hostage crisis?” Colbert asked. “What’s next on his 1980s agenda? ‘I’m also targeting the top four Iranian generals. One for each of the Three Men and a Baby. Six different regions, one for each side of a Rubik’s Cube. And I’ve officially changed the launch codes to 867-5309.”