Stephen Colbert began his Late Show monologue Wednesday night by describing the day’s seven-hour testimony from former Special Counsel Robert Mueller as a “marathon.” As he joked, “I know my nipples were bleeding.”
Overall, the host seemed less than impressed with the performance by “Bobby Three Sticks.”
“One goal for the Democrats was to get Mueller to make clear that Trump’s claim that he was exonerated was not true,” Colbert explained before playing the clip of an early exchange between House Judiciary Chairman Jerry Nadler and Mueller.
“So the report did not conclude that he did not commit obstruction of justice, is that correct?” Nadler asked Mueller, to which he replied, “That is correct.”
“And what about total exoneration?” Nadler followed up. “Did you actually totally exonerate the president?”
“No,” Mueller said.
So far so good. Then came this request from the chairman: “Can you explain in plain terms what that finding means so the American people can understand it?”
In response to that question, Mueller stammered his way through an answer, ultimately arriving at the conclusion that “the president was not exculpated for the acts that he allegedly committed.”
“C’mon!” an exasperated Colbert said after the clip ended. “‘Exculpated?!’ Did you not hear the guy say ‘so the American people can understand it?’ Did your granddaughter give you a word-of-the-day calendar? C’mon!”
Pacing around the stage, Colbert added, “Just use America talk, by which I mean emojis: Orange. Handcuffs.”
“We need simple slogans,” he said. “Nike: Just do it. Wheaties: Breakfast of champions. Trump: The worst a man can get.”