OCEAN OF LONELINESS

Stephen Colbert Is Seriously Worried About Melania Trump’s Marriage

‘The state of our union is strong,’ the ‘Late Show’ host said Wednesday night. ‘The state of their union? It’s complicated.’

The romantic relationship—or lack thereof—between Donald and Melania Trump has become an obsession of sorts for late-night hosts over the past few weeks. Jimmy Kimmel speculated that the first lady skipped her trip to Davos because she “hates” her husband. Bill Maher suggested that their marriage was worse than the Holocaust.

And now, after the pair arrived in separate cars for Tuesday night’s State of the Union address, Stephen Colbert thinks something might be seriously wrong.

“The state of our union is strong,” the Late Show host said Wednesday night. “The state of their union? It’s complicated.”  

Colbert also addressed the “feminist message” that Melania may have been sending American with her all-white pantsuit, noting that it looked a lot like the ones Hillary Clinton would wear at key moments during the 2016 race. “Oh, snap! Dressing like Hillary?” he said. “The only thing worse would be to show up dressed as Obama’s birth certificate.”

Fueling all these rumors, of course, are reports of Trump’s alleged affair with porn star Stormy Daniels. According to a recent report, Melania was “blindsided” by the news that her husband apparently paid Daniels $130,000 to stay quiet about their tryst just before the presidential election.

“Not the sex, the payoff,” Colbert said of the source of the first lady’s fury. “He never pays anyone.”

It was shortly after that story broke that Melania decided not to accompany the president on his trip to Switzerland, due to what her spokesperson called “scheduling and logistical” issues. “Of course, ‘scheduling issues,’” Colbert said. “She couldn’t go with him because hell hadn’t frozen over yet.” Instead, she flew to the spa at Mar-a-Lago for, as the host joked, a Japanese massage that sounds a lot like “she hates you.”

Colbert’s bit culminated with yet another appearance by his personal Melania Trump impersonator Laura Benanti, who appeared from the White House, still in her white suit, to share her true feelings about being married to Donald.

“My life is ocean of loneliness,” she said, before explaining that she was just promoting her new fragrance, “Ocean of Loneliness,” a “decadent bouquet of gardenia blossoms with a hint of ‘I live in a prison of my own making.’”