Stephen Colbert Mocks Donald Trump’s Iowa Fail

Stephen Colbert sums up the Iowa caucuses: Hillary Clinton is way too lucky and Donald Trump is finally a loser.

Stephen Colbert had a lot to say about the Iowa caucuses Tuesday night.

Beginning with the Democrats, the Late Show host reported that Hillary Clinton ended up beating Bernie Sanders by “three-tenths of one percent, or as it’s known in Iowa, Carl.” And on top of that, Clinton won six out of six tiebreaker coin tosses.

“With that kind of coin-flipping prowess, forget the Democrats. The Broncos should draft Hillary for the Super Bowl on Sunday,” Colbert said. “I mean, after all, I think she may be younger than Peyton Manning.”

More than anything else, Colbert was horrified by the new, conciliatory tone struck by Donald Trump after he came in second to Ted Cruz on the Republican side. “Who are you and what have you done with Donald Trump’s body?” he wanted to know. “This man is an imposter. I mean, that is clearly a wig.”

Colbert pinned Trump’s defeat on Cruz’s successful attempt to brand him with “New York values.” But despite Trump’s strong defense of the city he shares with the Late Show, the New York tabloids labeled him “Cruz-ified” and “Dead Clown Walking” Tuesday morning.

“These are your New York values,” Colbert said, “‘Thanks for sticking up for us, Donald. Oh, you came in second? Go fuck yourself.’”

Finally, Colbert had some fun at the expense of fourth-place finisher Ben Carson, who promptly left the campaign trail Monday night to return home to Florida for some much-needed laundry.

“Yes, when he saw that he finished a distant fourth in a state he used to lead, Ben Carson suddenly needed to change his pants,” he jokes. “But I think Carson is making a critical mistake with this fresh-clothes strategy. Because right now, Bernie Sanders is surging and I don’t think this man has changed his clothes in years.”