On Thursday, amid a heavy stream of nonsense-news—performance artists Diamond & Silk testifying before Congress and self-proclaimed deity Kanye West’s MAGA Twitter-trolling—a genuine breakthrough emerged: Bill Cosby was finally convicted of sexual assault.
Cosby, the 80-year-old fallen sitcom star who’s been accused of sexual assault by more than 60 women, was “convicted of three counts of aggravated indecent assault for drugging and sexually assaulting Andrea Constand at his Elkins Park, Pennsylvania, home in January 2004,” reported The Daily Beast’s Nicole Weisensee Egan. He now faces up to 30 years in prison.
“The big story is that, in his retrial today, Bill Cosby was found guilty of sexual assault,” Stephen Colbert announced at the top of The Late Show on Thursday. “You know, in the #MeToo era, it is gratifying to see a sexual predator, however powerful or popular, finally brought to justice. But we can’t forget there are still plenty still at large—speaking of which, Donald Trump called in to Fox & Friends today. Anybody see this?”
The transition said it all.
Colbert then moved on to Trump’s wacky call-in interview with his favorite television show/news source this morning, Fox & Friends. During the call, the president admitted that he didn’t really get his wife, Melania, a gift for her birthday, offering, “I may get in trouble. Maybe I didn’t get her so much… I got her a beautiful card.”
That’s right: The president had time to send Kanye West a signed MAGA hat but apparently didn’t have time to ask any of his assistants to purchase his wife a gift.
“You’re a billionaire! You got your wife a card? Do you know what she puts up with?” said Colbert, alluding to the alleged recent payoffs to adult actress Stormy Daniels and former Playboy model Karen McDougal (not to mention the 19 women who have accused him of sexual harassment or assault). “I think she’s earned a shopping spree. I’m gonna say… around $130,000 worth. That seems fair.”
Later on during the interview, the president said that so far he’d give his presidency an “A+” despite the fact that “I have a phony cloud hanging over my head that doesn’t exist,” referring to special counsel Robert Mueller’s ongoing Russia probe.
Cue Colbert: “Sir, that’s not a phony cloud—that’s your hair.”