NAILED IT

Stephen Colbert Roasts Trump’s State of the Union Line-by-Line

‘If there’s a burger, we eat it. If there is a porn star, we bone it. If there’s an immigrant, we deport it. If there’s an investigation, we undermine it.’

CBS

“We are live right now, and barely conscious following a 90-minute speech,” Stephen Colbert said at the top of his post-State of the Union Late Show Tuesday night.

The host began by recounting some of the speech’s more “heartwarming” moments. “Some amazing people there were in the gallery,” he said of the night’s special guests. “Honestly, some of the most beautiful, most impressive Americans you could imagine. And the president was there, too.”

“Here’s one unusual thing we found out right before the speech,” Colbert added. “The first lady traveled to the speech in a separate car. I guess Melania didn’t want anything from the Burger King drive-through.

“But when the president entered, the cameras caught Melania looking radiantly... happy?” he asked.

The host also called out Trump for sending his prayers—and little else—to the people “still recovering” from Hurricane Maria in Puerto Rico. “That is going to be a comforting message to people of Puerto Rico, once they have electricity to turn on their TVs,” he said. “Still a million people, right? A million people in Puerto Rico still don’t have power.”

Colbert then added his own spin to Trump’s forced inspirational rhetoric. “If there is a mountain, we climb it. If there is a frontier, we cross it. If there is a challenge, we tame it. If there is an opportunity, we seize it,” Trump said in his speech.

Colbert added, “If there’s a burger, we eat it. If there is a porn star, we bone it. If there’s an immigrant, we deport it. If there’s an investigation, we undermine it.”

“We all share the same home, the same heart, the same destiny, and the same great American flag,” Trump said at another point in his address.

“Really? Because down in Charlottesville I saw your supporters carrying two other flags,” Colbert shot back. “I’m pretty sure I saw that.”

Moving on to foreign policy, Colbert asked, “Where does he find the courage to call people who bomb hospitals ‘evil?’ Truly, today, Donald Trump became president of the United States.”

“Of course, Trump did not mention the Russia investigation,” the host added. “He hopes that goes away. But, I mean, even if the president and his campaign aides and members of his family were convicted of conspiracy with a hostile foreign power, where would we send them?”

Cut to Trump saying, “In many cases, for them, it will now be Guantanamo Bay.”