During his first new Late Show monologue of 2022, Stephen Colbert pivoted from joking about Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene’s Twitter suspension to a longer chunk about the upcoming anniversary of the Capitol insurrection with the segue, “Speaking of insane people trying to destroy everything.”
“In lieu of flowers, the rioters are asking for money in their prison canteen accounts,” he added, before turning his attention to the Congressional committee investigating the attack.
Over the weekend, Rep. Liz Cheney (R-WY) revealed on ABC’s This Week that the committee has “firsthand testimony that his daughter Ivanka went in at least twice to ask him to please stop this violence.”
“Didn’t work,” Colbert said. “Everyone knows he doesn’t listen to his kids. You’ve got to send in his trusted military adviser, Colonel Sanders.” As for that “firsthand” source, he asked, “I wonder who had the courage to come forward to make the former first daughter look good?” He then shared a photo of the “mystery witness”: Ivanka Trump with a mustache.
The former president’s eldest daughter and her husband Jared Kushner have long been assumed to be the “sources close to” the couple that share flattering stories about themselves with friendly reporters. They publicly “distanced themselves” from Donald Trump after his 2020 election loss and “urged him to take a more moderate stance” on Nazis years earlier.
Colbert went on to note that Trump’s 187-minute silence during the January 6th insurrection—“an unheard-of phenomenon that Melania calls ‘my dream date’—has now been explained by the fact that he had to reshoot a video telling the rioters to go home because he “wouldn’t say the right thing.”
“OK, but what were these people expecting?” the host asked. “Not saying the right thing is his kind of his thing. That’s like saying, ‘We have to reshoot this Kool-Aid commercial because that giant pitcher keeps smashing through the brick wall.’”
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