The GOP Senate: A New Utopia Dawns

Happy times are here again! Republicans have won the Senate, and they surely won’t screw it up this time. Right?

Drew Angerer/Getty Images

Like all good Republicans, I’m so happy I could frack the moon. I could drone strike the Dodd-Frank Wall Street Reform and Consumer Protection Act, I’m flying that high. I’m feeling good enough to lay 1,179 miles of pipe with my honey-bunny Keystone XL. And now that the GOP has bedded the House and the Senate, she is, ahem, about to come – delivering crude oil from Canada to the Gulf Coast and all the wetlands, wilderness areas, and sensitive eco-systems in between.

And that’s just the beginning of the wonderful events that are about to transpire. This is more exciting than the Newt Gingrich congressional triumph of 1994. Obama is a bigger sitting duck than Clinton. And Obama is a lame duck too. No Democratic Senate or House candidate was sitting in the voter blind with Hope and Change decoys on the electoral pond calling, “Barack! Barack! Barack!” Even the Dems ducked Obama.

Extraordinary things occurred the last time Republicans took legislative power away from a liberal quack. To sum those things up in just two words, which still stir the heart of every right-thinking member of the Grand Old Party: Monica Lewinsky. Was that fun or what?

And there was the Contract with America, with its balanced budget and term limits Constitutional Amendments and its Personal Responsibility Act to discourage having children out of wedlock.

In 1993, 27 percent of American children were illegitimate. Now it’s, um, about 40 percent. But, come on, what kind of self-respecting Republican writes a contract that he can’t wiggle out of with the help of lawyers? And practically everyone in Congress is one.

Anyway, President Obama is going to have to change his style of governing. Maybe just nine holes of golf after an American ISIS hostage is beheaded. Maybe showing some spine with Putin by renaming the mixture of mayonnaise and ketchup that goes on salads and Reuben sandwiches “Liberty Dressing.” Maybe giving Deborah K. Jones, our Ambassador to Libya, a 9mm SIG Sauer and a pair of nunchucks.

Some other suggestions for the President, if he wants to get off on the “right” foot with the 114th Congress:

Buy an Obama family vacation time-share in an East Jerusalem Israeli settler condo to help repair relations with Bibi Netanyahu.

Have the IRS take a peek up the skirts of Emily’s List.

Trade Sgt. Bowe Bergdahl back to the Taliban, preferably for a Washington Redskins QB who’s less injury-prone.

Of course the Republicans will have to make compromises too. We had our own set-backs on Tuesday night, particularly here in my home state of New Hampshire -- or New Hamster as we now call it, due to a Massachusetts invasive sub-species of Order Rodentia known as Massholes. The males wear socks with sandals. The females make their own jewelry. And they didn’t even turn out for their old friend Scott Brown. May they all stand in a puddle and stick their tongues in a Prius charge port.

And NH Second District Democratic congresswoman Annie Kuster failed to have a Last Stand against opponent Marilinda Garcia despite the willingness of the Tea Party to dress up as Indians and dump Annie in Boston Harbor where she belongs.

Get The Beast In Your Inbox!

Daily Digest

Start and finish your day with the top stories from The Daily Beast.

Cheat Sheet

A speedy, smart summary of all the news you need to know (and nothing you don't).

By clicking “Subscribe,” you agree to have read the Terms of Use and Privacy Policy
Thank You!
You are now subscribed to the Daily Digest and Cheat Sheet. We will not share your email with anyone for any reason.

Actually, Brown lost the Senate race to Democrat incumbent Jean Shaheen because Scott once posed nude for Cosmo. “Naked male Republican” is not a thought anyone, Republicans included, wants in his or her mind, even if this particular one happens to be buff.

Most of the Republicans America just elected ain’t. And I’m glad of it. We’re seeing more of the old-fashioned establishment-type Republicans who keep their pants and pantyhose on. And who don’t get them in a wad over every little piece of legislation.

The 114th Congress is not going to be full of people who, every time a bill is brought to a vote, have to go dig up the grave of James Madison and ask Jim if the bill is Constitutional.

We Republicans are beginning to understand that gay marriage, abortion, and drug legalization aren’t issues any more.

Constitutional Amendment against gay marriages? What’s with that? Constitutional Amendment against first marriages. Now we’re talking.

There’s an easy fix to the abortion debate. Don’t make it legal. Don’t make it illegal. Make it retroactive. Kid gets to 18? And he’s still a bum? Whack.

And I had something deep and profound to say about drug legalization too, but the bong went out.

A lot of us Republicans are having trouble getting the leaf blower started. I foresee a “clear path” to bipartisan immigration reform.

“Operation Fast and Furious” continues to rankle some Republicans. But the President could easily reposition it as a friendly “pro-gun rights” gesture by outgoing Attorney General Eric Holder.

Obamacare won’t be overturned. No broad-based federal entitlement program has ever been eliminated. Free cat food breeds kittens. But Obamacare can be modified to be more acceptable to Republicans. No-fee Levitra for all white males over fifty. Who says Republicans are deaf to the needs of women?

The President made some initial errors in his handling of the Ebola crisis. But I’m sure an address to a joint session of Congress, with the President presenting sound scientific evidence that Ebola is not spread by “dark money,” would get the two parties seeing eye-to-eye on the subject.

And in the matter of foreign policy the President has already met the Republicans more than half-way. Indeed, he is pursuing exactly the same foreign policy in the Middle East that Republicans were pursuing when we were in the White House – rendering everything in the region FUBAR.

I look forward to a golden sunset for the Obama years, a peaceful twilight of across-the-aisle cooperation and mutual respect and esteem from the Noble Capital at one end of Pennsylvania Avenue to the People’s House at the other.

And then... It’s a short, smooth, brightly lit stroll to the Oval Office for some towering figure of a Republican Party presidential candidate to be decided later. Perhaps it will be newly elected Texas Land Commissioner George P. Bush.

And 2014 showed the way. Never mind that young people, women, Hispanics, and blacks forgot to vote. In two years those young people will have done a lot of growing up. What happens when you’re a grown-up? You vote for someone named Bush. Women will probably forget to vote again. You know how forgetful women are. “Did I lose an earring?” “Where’s my purse?” “I could have sworn I left the car keys right here.” And Republican policies for robust job growth and business opportunity will have moved Hispanics and blacks to the top of the socio-economic ladder. Once you get an in-ground poll, you’re a good Republican.

Anyway, this good Republican can dream, can’t he?