Close your eyes and imagine all of the hardest partying, most insufferable celebrities in the world banished to one small island. Picture a world in which you can buy a property in L.A. without fearing that Justin Bieber will egg it; a world in which Lindsay Lohan’s depressing decline has stopped making Mean Girls harder and harder to watch, and Paris Hilton has disappeared entirely, leaving only a trail of Simple Life GIF’s in her wake. A world where Kim Kardashian no longer dominates every news cycle and nothing hurts.
Now open your eyes. Due to some sort of rip in the space-time continuum, it seems that every annoying celebrity is currently on one small, distant land mass. This powerful star vortex is called Ibiza, and it’s managed to suck in a series of former celebrities and grasping socialites, drawn to the island by the gravitational pull of Justin Bieber’s yacht.
Through meticulous research and a series of complex calculations (aka reading Page Six and following Kim Kardashian on Instagram) we’ve located Cipriani, Ibiza as the ground zero of this phenomenon; a mythical gathering spot where creatures from Middle-earth drunkenly attempt to mess up young pop stars’ hairdos and washed up celebrities share salads and snap stories, all while Sean “Diddy” Combs looks on with a beatific smile.
Cipriani, aka “Paris Hilton’s personal time machine back to 2006,” was an extremely strange place long before Biebs initiated last Wednesday’s war of Canadian aggression against America’s most beloved unemployed elf. The Italian restaurant’s menu includes ten pieces of sushi for 70 euros, and 20-euro desserts that one irate review describes as “cheap, industrial vanilla ice cream.” A quick Google image search of Cipriani, Ibiza yields stark pictures of unadorned slabs of meat; foodstagrams so unappealing that they look like they where shot by Martha Stewart. In the words of one very long, extremely dissatisfied Trip Advisor review: “The food is so bad and the prices are so high that this restaurant must be a joke played on the customers or for the customers who enjoy a laugh at any expense. Like, haha I can't believe I'm paying for this haha haaa.”
Cipriani, Ibiza sounds like the ideal place for someone who just got off a hot-boxed private jet and is so high that they’d eat anything, or someone who never eats. Enter Justin Bieber and Paris Hilton, who, along with Orlando Bloom, Lindsay Lohan, and Sean Combs, comprised the unlikely celebrity Cipriani crowd on the night of the “incident.” While this might sound like an eclectic group of people, they’re actually surprisingly inter-connected, and have been making the Ibiza rounds with a series of stars all week. Let’s start with Biebs.
This summer, Justin Bieber is the unofficial tiny prince of Ibiza. On Wednesday he cemented his title of least amicable Canadian when he taunted Orlando Bloom at Cipriani, allegedly alluding to the fact that he slept with Bloom’s ex-wife Miranda Kerr. In turn, Bloom attempted and failed to punch Bieber in the face, after which Bieber was met with jeers from the accumulated crowd and forced to leave in disgrace, proving that there is a God at Cipriani, Ibiza, and he is not a Belieber.
Bloom spent the day before the fight with Australian model Erica Packer, walking on and off various yachts, which is apparently what celebrities do in Ibiza when they’re not at Cipriani or actively Instagramming.
A mere day (and two taunting Instagrams) after the fight, Bieber resurfaced on a jet ski, as friend Michelle Rodriguez looked on from a neighboring yacht. Later, he joined Rodriguez’s beau Zac Efron onstage at a David Guetta concert, where Guetta let Efron take a turn at the turntables. On Friday night, Biebs graced Riccardo Tisci’s birthday party with his presence, sharing a series of Instagrams with Kris and Kendall Jenner, as well as Kim Kardashian and Kanye West.
This brings us to Kim and Kanye, who are celebrating passing the 72-day marriage mark in style. Kim took a break from her enormous workload as a mother, entrepreneur, app genius and illuminati member to snap a selfie with her passed out husband in Ibiza Saturday night. She also made good use of her time on the island by reportedly sorting out the decade-long rift between her and Paris Hilton. Hilton was also at the Riccardo Tisci horrible people party, where she posed for a Kardashian Instagram, captioned “Reminiscing about the 1st time we went to Ibiza in 2006! @parishilton it was so good to see you & catch up!! Loves it lol.” We may not have solved the Israeli-Palestinian conflict here, but at least Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian are cool again.
The Paris Hilton peace settlement circles us back to the Cipriani Ibiza altercation. Lindsay Lohan was also spotted at the restaurant that fateful night. The former child star has been taking a well-deserved Ibiza break from her funemployment. She’s been seen sunbathing, jet skiing, and, according to an interestingly worded Daily Mail piece, “suffering” from some serious sideboob. It’s an epidemic, people.
While Cipriani appears to be the hub of the Ibiza scene, a handful of stars have managed to escape the Bloom-Bieber web of celebrity incest and intrigue. They include Leonardo DiCaprio, the 39-year-old actor who has been boating around the island with his very attractive 22-year-old model girlfriend, Toni Garrn, sporting a very unattractive newsboy cap. Other notable mentions are beloved ginger Ed Sheeran and Game of Thrones’ Lena Headey; do we sense a Cersei Lannister/ Joffrey Bieber Cipriani date in the near future?
Meanwhile, our unlikely Ibiza hero Orlando Bloom has made a full recovery from the aborted fistfight. Bloom was taped last Thursday at a lunch on the beautiful Ibiza beach, dancing around to Pharrell’s hit song “Happy.” The resulting video of an ecstatic Bloom is fully representative of how we feel about the fact that all of these celebrities (and the paparazzi who love them) have been banished to a party island far, far away. Dance on, Legolas!