According to every person who has ever coached their friend through a breakup, it takes more muscles to smile than it does to frown. But how many muscles does it take to slip into a pair of $60 “Sadness” sweatpants, bring a bottle of squeezy cheese into bed, and wallow your night away?
Noah Cyrus, the 18-year-old younger sister to Miley, might know.
In celebration(?) of the release of her EP Good Cry, Cyrus took it upon herself to release a line of sad-girl merch with PizzaSlime. Along with the sweats, Cyrus took one for the team and bottled up her own tears in droppers that can be yours, forever, for only $12,000. (But you should run, not walk, to this pity party, as the line is only available for 48 hours.)
The sell for the tears runs as follows: "This is approximately 12 tears made by Noah Cyrus as a result of sadness. Human digestion of these tears is not suggested cause tears are generally pretty salty and that would just be super fucking weird if you drank someone else's tears."
Roy Orbison may have had the best song to cry to of all time. Unlike the Big O, the Little C’s preferred method of music promotion is to capitalize off her generation’s alarmingly high rates of depression and suicide.
In August, Cyrus revealed to L'Officiel that she has struggled with anxiety and depression, and those issues reportedly inspired the self-admitted “emo”-ness of her sound. As she said, “I’ve been struggling with depression, and (it’s) okay to feel those feelings."
There is a strength that comes through admitting your emotions are valid. Maybe for some, wearing the “Sadness” sweats and “sry i’m trash” hoodie are a way to rail against the stigma of talking about mental health issues.
Whether shoppers are getting exploited, or finally seeing representation they'd spend $120 on a sweat in pursuit of, is up to interpretation.
This collaboration comes one week after Cyrus’ reported split with the rapper Lil Xan (real name: Diego Leanos).
According to Leanos, the brief relationship was all a PR stunt. Cyrus, and Columbia Records have denied this claim.
Whether they were dating or not, such drama is enough for at least one round of $12,000 stress crying.
This isn't the first time a line has tried to make mental illness trendy. Back in 2014, Urban Outfitters was called out for selling a printed with the word "Depression." (The retailer later pulled the top from its shelves.)
Noah Cyrus' collection of sobbing accoutrements might make you go “Whaaa?” at first, but anyone who’s been 1) sad and 2) had access to the Internet could have seen it coming. Depression is a main theme of Internet humor, particularly in memes.
Pictures of shy-looking puppies are accompanied by captions that describe the pressures of social anxiety. A photo of Kermit crying will include a joke about seasonal affected disorder. Even the New York Times has reported on the meme seen ‘round the world of an anthropomorphic dog sitting calmly in a room on fire thinking, “This is fine.”
As I-D reported in 2017, these funny, digestible posts have helped open a dialogue about mental health. Great, right? Reducing the stigma of depression is all fun and games until PizzaSlime jumps in to fetishize female tears.
PizzaSlime was founded by Stoveman and Hobin, two humans who told Us Weekly they use the monikers to preserve a sense of anonymity. That mystery has only helped the duo earn fans of several Kardashians, Lady Gaga, and Diplo. Their M.O. is to keep a finger fixed on the pulse of what's going on in the tabloids, and produce pieces that make a statement about what's buzzy in entertainment land.
Quoth the Stoveman: "We love pop culture because it gives you something to talk to your parents about and it's what you talk about at the office water cooler. We use pop culture as a way to be part of those conversations.”
The line's clothing—mostly t-shirts—are basically wearable memes, with purposefully low quality standards. One shirt reads "Ugly But Honest," and looks like something you'd pick up for 50 cents at a yard sale.
PizzaSlime also sells a menagerie of millennial oddities such as a $15 used condom wrapper (sold out!) and a pack of Plan B (this is what happens when you deny women easy access to contraceptives, people!)
As for Noah's $12,000 tears, PizzaSlime reps did not respond for The Daily Beast’s request to comment on how the liquid was collected, or if the bottle actually contained human tears at all. (Meanwhile, I'm waiting for the app that tells me how much my plebeian tears are worth.)
For anyone concerned over the fetishization of female malaise, consider the wise words of my favorite sad girls, Fiona Apple, at the 1997 VMAs.
“This world is bullshit. . .and you shouldn’t model your life about what you think we think is cool, and what we’re wearing, and what we’re saying, and everything. Go with yourself.”