MAKE UP YOUR MIND!

Triumph the Insult Comic Dog to Undecided Voters: What’s Your ‘F*cking Problem?’

The mean dog roasted undecided 2024 voters on “The Daily Show,” trying his best to get them to take a side.

For fans of Robert Smigel’s dastardly talking dog, you’re in luck: Triumph the Insult Comic has returned to The Daily Show, this time to take on those voters who still can’t quite choose between Donald Trump or Joe Biden in the 2024 election.

“Thank you for coming to our marketing research offices,” Triumph began in the skit. “Let’s go around the room. Tell us your name and what your fucking problem is.” After the group shared their concerns, Triumph began to tear them apart.

“OK, I see some of you feel you need more information about the candidates, and I get it, we know so little about Trump and Biden,” Triumph quipped to the “focus group.” “Apart from their campaign issues, their actions as president, their handling of the global pandemic, their criminal indictments, whom they’ve showered with, and a very detailed description of Trump’s penis from a former porn star. But we still don’t know.”

Triumph asked the group of voters to raise their hands if they were leaning towards Biden, then Trump. “OK, raise it at a 45 degree angle, please,” he told one woman who raised her hand for Trump. “A little straighter, don’t bend the elbow. That’s good.”

Breaking into laughter, he added, “It’s a Hitler joke, you see, because you support a fascist.”

To help make the decision even clearer, Triumph asked the group to pick between two sandwiches, one of which he described as “on its deathbed,” and the other as “the sandwich that we have on tape using the N-word.”

That didn’t work either, so Triumph had the voters pick any entree off a Cheesecake Factory menu, which took so long Triumph had grown a long white beard before giving up.

“Look, you guys have barely given me anything, so I’m just going to tell you who you’re voting for,” Triumph said. “Daryl, you’re going to miss election day, because there weren’t any reminders on Pornhub… Thomas, I think you should just stay home. This is a big one, very important election. We need you to sit out.”

Triumph did not succeed in making anyone more decisive, but he still ended the meeting in high spirits. “Thank you all for being here, we’ve learned a lot,” he said. “We’ll see you in four years, when you can’t decide between voting for AOC or Kyle Rittenhouse.”

For more, listen to Robert Smigel on The Last Laugh podcast.

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Michael Boyle

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