After perfecting his spot-on portrayal of Donald Trump on Comedy Central’s The President Show, and in this week’s mockumentary special The Fall of Donald Trump, Anthony Atamanuik has taken his impression to the literary world. Along with fellow comedian and former Saturday Night Live writer Neil Casey, Atamanuik has penned the satirical book American Tantrum: The Donald J. Trump Presidential Archives, which goes on sale Tuesday. Below is an excerpt that imagines a series of phone calls between Trump and his former fixer Michael Cohen.
CALL: MICHAEL COHEN VOICE MAIL (9/24/2016)
VM: Hi, you’ve reached Michael Cohen. I can’t get to the phone right now, so leave me a message, capisce?
Trump: Hello? Hello? Michael? Voice mail. Michael, this is Trump.
Listen, I think we’re gonna win this thing. It’s looking real good. You see that thing? You see Hillary? You see Hillary the other day, shaking around getting into that van? Oh man. Pretty funny stuff. I gotta give it to her, she’s a tough lady. That’s a tough lady to stick it out. Very tough. It’s gonna be tough in the next debate. Anyway, listen. Things are going so great, and it looks like we have a chance. Now, who knows. At the end of the day, we can’t predict anything. But I want to make sure we have all our ducks in a row. You know? Get the ducks, line ’em up. When you see that mother duck walking those babies across the street, they’re all in a row. And you gotta make way for ducklings! You gotta make way. They have a street sign with the duck on it. Hard to find. And can the ducks read the sign? I don’t get it. Ducks can tell the sign, they know where to cross? I don’t think so. Anyway, we need to make sure that we take care of the Russia thing. Very important that you get the thing and I want you to talk to the guy. The one who had the cheeks like they were apricot pits? They were all rotty? Like that guy from all the movies in the ’80’s. You know, he had a real acne thing! We’re gonna build that tower, Michael! We’re gonna get in Russia, I can feel it. But I need to know, I need to know that it’s all right and that everything’s done and that you put all the documents and that anything—especially the meeting in Russia is very important. Now, we went over Miss Universe. I want the flight logs buried, okay? I don’t want anyone to know I was there. And also you gotta take care of that girl. Make sure all the girls are paid off before we get into the next stage of this thing, okay? A hundred g’s should do it, plus a little for you—I mean, these girls have never seen that kind of money in their life. So that should be good. Uhh—by the way, going to Mar-a-Lago this weekend, love for you to come down. We’re going to get some good honeys there, some choice honeys, so bring some extra money because we’re going to have to pay them off, if you know what I mean. You know what I mean? I love you, I’ll talk to you later. Bye bye!
CALL: MICHAEL COHEN VOICE MAIL (3/1/2017)
VM: Hi, you’ve reached Michael Cohen on my brand-new cell phone! Please leave a message and I’ll call you back. Bye bye!
Trump: Michael? Michael? Hello? Listen, uh, did you move that money to that guy? The guy? The Shatner guy, Shtayner, whatever his name is? I gotta tell you, I’m confused. Because this medallion guy, I thought it was William Shatner. And I’m looking at the spelling, and it’s not that. So I’m a little disappointed because I thought we were giving $26 million to William Shatner. And, I was so excited because he was the best captain. It’s too bad he died in the Nexus. He’s trapped there for all of eternity, just like Captain Picard’s trapped in British Christmas! But I don’t think that’s too bad, I’d love to be trapped in British Christmas for the rest of my life. So I want you to move another $16 million over to this guy, okay? And make sure that it’s untraceable. Because these medallions, they’re dropping in price. Have you seen it? The Uber’s ruining it! It went from a million to two hundred thousand. It’s a crazy depreciation. Shatner probably does need the money. He lost his son on the Genesis Planet, which was very sad. And it was a Priceline deal, which made it even worse. Oh, also, listen. There’s this—Stormy. Remember the Stormy girl? Um, she’s starting to talk to people. I’m hearing word that she’s talking to people. And I don’t like it, I think it’s very terrible, it’s a terrible thing. And you know, these are all lies, Michael. These are lies. And we know that they’re lies. And we need to make sure that she understands that she can’t be telling untruths she’s saying that are true. So I need you to find a guy, get a good guy, big guy, just approach her in Vegas, okay, just let her know where everything stands. Make sure you get a guy that a sketch artist would not be able to draw, someone who’s got, I dunno, too general of a face or something like that, someone too hard for a sketch artist to do. And here’s what I think he should say, he should say, “You want your mommy to get beat up?” And he says it to the baby. And he goes, “Coochie coochie,” at the end. And that’s gonna scare the baby. And the baby’s gonna go, “Mommy, Mommy, don’t do this. Be good to Trump.” The baby’s gonna know. Cause the babies all love me. If babies could have voted for me I would have won by a lot more. But babies can’t vote and we need to change that. Babies on the voter rolls for 2020. Make sure all babies, even preemies. Anyway, listen, also, I’m getting a little nervous about the FBI and the people—so you should probably start getting rid of that old box you have with all the old phones in it. Start getting rid of all the old phones from the box. I really suggest doing it this week. Burn the papers, put things away, lock them away in undisclosed areas. I don’t know, Michael, I’m getting very nervous. And listen, get to the cloud. Whatever you do, Michael, get to the cloud!
CALL: MICHAEL COHEN (2/1/2018)
Trump: Michael. What’s going on up there, Michael?
Michael Cohen: Don’t worry, sir. It’s under control.
T: Michael, I don’t like this!
M: It’s under control, sir.
T: Michael, this is not good.
M: We gotta handle on everything, sir. The NDA is airtight, the money got paid out, she’s digging her own grave, so to speak.
T: I mean, this bitch—this is unbelievable. This is unbelievable. She signed the paperwork! She said she would do it. And now she’s going back on her word.
M: She took the money, sir, I know.
T: She’s a total Indian giver. Total Indian giver.
M: Don’t worry, sir, you just stay above the fray. Stay out of it, sir. You stay out of it, sir, you stay out of it, as far as you’re concerned I gave her a gift.
T: Why would you give her a gift? That’s the dumbest cover story ever.
M: Because that’s it, that’s the story. I gave her the gift.
T: What a stupid story, Michael. What are you, crazy? No one’s gonna believe that.
M: It’s gonna work fine, sir, you just stay out of it.
T: I don’t know. Why would you give her a gift?
M: Because. I’m a generous guy.
T: I don’t buy it. I’m sorry.
M: I understand, sir, but just stay out of it. Do you understand?
T: I mean, can you believe what she’s saying? That—I mean—first off, listen. You and I both know the thing that we don’t know that we know is true, okay? And we know it’s true. And I’m gonna say something else. She says I was sitting on the end of the bed? I was sitting on the end of the bed like a little boy? Are you kidding me? I was not sitting—I was standing up, I was rock hard, standing there waiting for her. She tried to spank me with that magazine and I caught it and I looked at her right in the eye and said, “I think we need to go up to my room.” And she said yeah! And she was the one who took the magazine, not me. And you know what? You know what nobody knows? I made a little fart when she hit me with the magazine. I got the last word on that. You can get the DNA off that magazine, you’ll see. A little poop puff. That’ll be the—the little poop marks the time line! Do that. Call forensics in. Get the DNA!
M: Sir, sir—Donald, listen to me. Don’t overthink it.
T: Mr. President.
T: Mr. President.
M: Listen to me. You stay out of it. This happened a long time ago, we took care of it. You don’t have to worry about it.
T: Oh, Michael, you shut up. You shut up, you dweeb-faced, sunken-eyed garbage heap.
M: All right, sir.
T: You sit in your stupid office or your dumb hotel room and you make up lies, and I know what you do, you screw everything up. That’s what you do. You haven’t done anything right in your whole goddamn life!
M: All right, sir, just—
T: You don’t have a single thing to show for your whole goddamn life.
M: This conversation’s over.
T: Your wife should be ashamed of you—
M: You stay quiet and forget this conversation happened—
T: Your wife and your stupid children. Your dumb ugly children. I haven’t spent any time with you and your dumb ugly children. I’ll ruin you. You think I’ll save you? I’ll take you apart. You do anything I’ll take you apart, you get me? You know. You know? We buried that body so many years ago and you’re gonna bring that up to me now? You’re gonna bring that up to me now?!
M: She’s the one who came forward, sir, and I’m handling it.
T: You’re not handling anything. You couldn’t even handle your two-inch pudd. I knew I shouldn’t have ever gotten a Jewish lawyer. Okay, now what about the McDougal, there’s more than one.
M: There’s several, sir.
T: There’s so many, Michael, there’s so many!
M: Don’t worry, sir, the agreements are airtight, sir. You have nothing to worry about.
T: But the McDougal—that was paid off by somebody else, we can’t control that.
M: Well, it’s all third-party, sir. We really don’t have control over it at this point other than what the agreement says. And the agreement says that they can’t talk, so if they talk, they owe us a lot of money.
T: Uhh, they owe us a lot of money?
M: Yes, sir. They have to pay back the money.
T: Well, then tell them all to talk! This is perfect, Michael. I mean, we need to get money. We need to make more money.
M: No sir.
T: What we could do is— Wait a minute, I got a perfect idea. Get all of them to flip. Make sure they all start talking. Make ’em all breach their NDAs.
M: Sir, I don’t think you’re thinking about the—
T: I’m thinking of money, Michael! We could make like a hundred, two hundred million dollars off this!
M: I don’t think you’re thinking through the ramifications of this, sir. I think you should—
T: Ramifications. That’s a choice word. God knows every one of those girls had a ramification.
M: Most of them would disagree, sir.
T: You know I can’t believe her. I can’t believe what she said. And what, what, she didn’t enjoy it? Seemed like she was enjoying it when her face was turned away from me and she was making no sound.
M: She’s a porn actress, sir, so if she wasn’t able to fake it for you, I don’t know what to tell you.
T: What the hell are you talking about. She wasn’t faking it. Don’t you understand? It’s the inverse with porn stars. If you have sex with a porn star and they totally shut down and lay there like a stone-dead body with their face still and completely silent, that for them is relaxing! Because most of the time they have to perform and go, “Ooh, ooh, oh oh, ooh ooh, oh, that cock, that cock, ooh ooh oh, my pussy my pussy!” But there—
M: Where are you right now, sir?
T: Where? I’m in a cabinet meeting! The press is here! Yeah, I’ll take questions in a second! Anyway, okay? Listen. Who do we have. We have Stormy Daniels. The storm surge. And the waves are flowing everywhere.
M: Her real name is Stephanie Cliffords, sir. That’s important to remember.
T: Clifford? The big red dog? Double it!