Twitter Is Defusing #SecondCivilWar Hysteria With #SecondCivilWarLetters
Anyone who has watched Ken Burns' ‘The Civil War’ will recognize the elegiac tone as suffering soldiers and civilians write home—from Costco and Starbucks.

Photo Illustration by The Daily Beast
This story was updated July 5, 2018, at 6:30 a.m. EDT. The new American Civil War has not begun.
Irony is dangerous in 280 characters. Trolls are always all too ready to take you at your word. But #secondcivilwarletters, a Twitter game in which people imagine writing home about current difficulties in the style of the letters of the American Civil War, keeps making me, yes, laugh out loud.
And this as someone who has written extensively about the first U.S. Civil War, and about the current frightening divisions in American and European society.
ADVERTISEMENT
Anyone who has watched the classic Ken Burns series The Civil War will recognize the elegiac tone as suffering soldiers and civilians write home about victories won, privations endured.
Dearest:
— Facial Merkin (@facialmerkin) July 3, 2018
I take pen to hand to write to tell you I am not well. We are bunkered down in Olive Garden with only breadsticks & house Chardonnay to sustain us. My heart is sorrowful, but my resolve is strong. No carbs. Not now. Not ever.
Your loyal wife#secondcivilwarletters
The multiple authors of these tweets were inspired by reports over the last couple of weeks, prompted in part by columnist Tom Ricks, and exploded by the infamous "InfoWars" preacher Alex Jones, that a new civil war may be on the horizon. Indeed, Jones predicted it would begin July 4.
Get the best of The Beast delivered right to your inbox
By clicking “SUBSCRIBE” you agree to our Terms of Use and Privacy Policy.
Donald Trump and his supporters, long accustomed to making their own threats and occasionally violent attacks on those with whom they disagree, have been waxing hysterical about the possibility that Trump opponents might even become, in Trump’s memorable phrase, “Second Amendment people” ready to take guns and the law into their own hands.
True to form, Trump’s favorite pollsters at Rasmussen Reports published a survey informing readers that “most voters fear that political violence is coming from opponents of the president’s policies, just as they did in the second year of Barack Obama’s presidency, and nearly one-in-three think a civil war is next.” (Interesting phrasing there. In case you were as confused as I was, Rasmussen did not mean there were so many people worried about violent opponents of Trump’s policies in 2010. In those days, the concern was about violence aimed at Obama.)
The point of many of the #secondcivilwarletters is not only to mock such hysteria, but to get people on all sides to chill out.
Here are a few fairly random samples with references to, among other things, the Bowling Green massacre that wasn’t, the not so big inaugural crowd last year, and the limitless conspiracy theories surrounding liberal philanthropist George Soros:
Dearest,
— TheFeralOne (@tracey_f) July 3, 2018
As we dig in for the 2nd Battle of Donut Den, I send you my love & hope for a brighter future. Rest assured that Trader Joe's is well defended, & the garage next to Whole Foods Body is ready to receive wounded & treat them homeopathically. #secondcivilwarletters
Dearest:
— Facial Merkin (@facialmerkin) July 3, 2018
We suspended our Pokémon Go siege & sought shelter inside Cinepolis. We’ve been forced to endure Jurassic World for what seems like days. Not even Chris Pratt can cheer us and they’re out of sushi. I fear I may never be happy again.
War is hell. #secondcivilwarletters
My Dear Wife, you have by now heard tell of the events at Bowling Green. They are calling it a massacre. I regret that I shall be leaving the war as I have lost my legs to a meme. Ol' sawbones described my situation as "dank." #SecondCivilWarLetters
— Slacquer (@NomDeSlacquer) July 3, 2018
Dearest One,
— Melania's Belts (@MelaniasBelts) July 3, 2018
Have you been receiving my paychecks from Soros? HQ assured me that you'd get them in the mail, provided USPS remains a public service.
Alas, I cannot tell you of my top secret deep state missions. Suffice to say that spray tan will be scarce.#secondcivilwarletters
My dearest Mother,
— Jabbernaut (@Jabbernaut2) July 3, 2018
Good news from the front! We’ve secured every Starbucks and Costco in the nation. I enjoy a mocha frapp as I write. For good measure we also took KFC and Taco Bell intending to starve Old Scratch himself out of our beloved White House. #secondcivilwarletters
Dearest Emma,
— Jerry (@js_edit) July 3, 2018
We are three hours in the field now, and our spies report that the enemy's supplies of Slim Jims and Budweiser run low. Our company chef, a good and Cristian man, volunteered to take them some avocado toasts, but a truce could not be arranged #SecondCivilWarLetters
And this from The Daily Beast‘s inimitable contributor Erin Ryan:
Guys can we please civil war somewhere with shade? It’s really hot and some people want to bring their dogs
— erin ryan (@morninggloria) July 4, 2018
Register below to read this article for free or subscribe
to unlock unlimited access to The Daily Beast.
Monthly
$1
First month then $5.99/month
Annual
$35
First year then $59.99/year
Premium
$79
First year then $119.99/year
*Substack access provided by the next business day, using your subscription email. Choosing the Premium plan constitutes your permission to share your subscription email with Substack and your agreement to Substack’s Privacy Policy.
Already have an account? Sign In
Looks like you already have a subscription!
You're all set!
Thanks for subscribing.
