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CATCHING THE WORM

Wondering What RFK Jr. Sexted Olivia Nuzzi? We Imagined Their Bonkers Sexts (Satire)

News that RFK Jr. was in a sexting relationship with a star reporter has left Emmy-winning comedy writer Jill Twiss wondering—what kind of crazy messages are on their phones?

A GIF showing RFK Jr. and Olivia Nuzzi
opinion

Photo Illustration by The Daily Beast/Getty/Reuters

By Jill Twiss

I’ll admit it. I didn’t think I could still be surprised by a story about Robert F. Kennedy, Jr.

  • Uses a wallaby as a man-purse? Sure, sounds right.
  • Masturbates to John Philip Sousa marches? I mean, probably.
  • Insists he got genital herpes from 5G? YAWN.

But by golly the man did it again. Last week it was revealed that a prominent reporter for New York magazine, Olivia Nuzzi, was placed on leave for having a personal relationship with Kennedy.

I just… I mean… ok. I’ll keep saying it till it makes sense.

31-year-old star reporter Nuzzi had an inappropriate relationship with 70-year-old former presidential candidate, current Donald Trump surrogate, and amateur zookeeper, RFK Jr.

Now, both appear to agree that the relationship wasn’t physical. A source described their interactions to the New York Post as “sexting” and Kennedy bragged about receiving intimate photos from the reporter. Nude Nuzzies, if you will (you shouldn’t.)

The ethical issues are obvious. She was engaged, he’s married. A reporter having an inappropriate relationship with a candidate she has covered is bad. He’s also 40 years older than she, has a brain worm, and is under investigation for decapitating a whale. Who among us and all that. But those are, how do you say it in English? Not my problem. Someone else gets to deal with that.

The part of this story I can’t stop thinking about–the bit I can’t get out of my useless lint-trap of a brain is this: “What is it like to sext with Robert F. Kennedy, Jr.?”

Fear not, I’ve gamed this out so you don’t have to.

Ooh baby. You’re so hot. With your big muscles and your… I don’t know, probably something else? Tell me what you’d like to do to me right now RFK: First, I’ll take you out for an amazing steak dinner. Sounds incredible And then… Yes?

Photo Illustration by The Daily Beast

RFK: What are you wearing right now? NUZZI: Not very much [HEART FACE EMOJI, WINKY FACE EMOJI] Would you consider putting on an emu costume?

Photo Illustration by The Daily Beast

RFK: And then I realized, maybe it’s the AUTISM causing the VACCINES. Ever think of that? Tue, Mar 26 NUZZI: Tell me something sexy Did you know you can fit a capybara in the air fryer?

Photo Illustration by The Daily Beast

RFK: So anyway, I think if they’re suicidal it doesn’t actually count as cannibalism. Sun, Mar 3 RFK: My worm is so turned on right now. NUZZI: Is…that what you call your penis? Yes. But that’s not the one I meant.

Photo Illustration by The Daily Beast

So what can we all learn from this lapse of journalistic ethics and any semblance of good taste? Don’t send nudes to a guy who thinks vaccines are worse than the Holocaust? Well yes.

But the real lesson here is don’t underestimate the weirdest guy you know. You think you know how weird he can get, but you don’t. There are untapped levels of crazy in there just waiting to get out. And one day, something will happen, and they will be released upon the world.

Maybe it’s all the 5G.

Jill Twiss has won multiple Emmys and Peabody Awards as a senior writer on HBO’s Last Week Tonight with John Oliver. While on the show, she authored A Day in the Life of Marlon Bundo, a New York Times #1 bestseller.

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