Our teenage boy-in-chief has planned two consecutive days of Fourth of July celebrations, assuring our country what we need most as Americans faced with a resurgence of COVID-19 cases and national unrest is more fireworks. The president vowed that the aptly named “President Trump’s 2020 Salute to America” will be “the largest in recent memory,” bringing this country together, literally, through high-school-like pep rallies risking further infection.
Because he couldn’t wait, the man-child’s July 4 weekend kicks off today, Friday July 3, at the tranquil, sacred Native American grounds of the Black Hills with a pyrotechnics display in front of the 60-foot granite faces of presidents George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln, and Theodore Roosevelt. The president’s explosions will end the park’s 10-year ban on environmentally dangerous fireworks. After speaking to a mask-optional crowd of 7,500 in South Dakota, he will return to Washington, D.C., where he promises a “one-of-a-kind air show” of really cool fighter planes flying over the National Mall with a mile-long surplus of “rockets’ red glare” that will, like his term, “go on seemingly forever.”
The expense bill from hopping between Mount Rushmore National Monument and the National Mall will be offset by corporate donors, taxpayers’ money and income generated by new items available for a limited time only (hopefully that ends in November) at the Mount Rushmore Gift Shop. The Trump campaign has come up with these new souvenir items sure to put any red-blooded American into the patriotic spirit of the holiday.
Official COVID-19 T-Shirt
Make a fashion statement anywhere, especially large gatherings. This dishwasher-safe garment, with a vaguely Nazi looking eagle on the back, is 100% cotton and 110% American-made.
Whether the President is giving a speech with whirling helicopters, fighter planes or just plain jolting fireworks overhead, these noise-canceling earmuffs will protect you from actually hearing what is being said.
Revised Mount Rushmore Sand Sculpture
From our lips to God’s ears, the famous National Monument as it should be—with a newly added Donald J. Trump bobblehead.
2020 MAGA Hat
The New Make America Irate Again hats are here! Can be worn under our exclusive MAGA Earmuffs. Two sizes; Regular or Fat-Head.
Social Distancing Tattoo Stickers
Includes: “Stand Six Feet Back if You’re a Democrat,” and a throwback Pepe the Frog.
Trump 2020 Face-Mask
Exclusively designed with a hole for your mouth, so you can practice safe social distancing and still enjoy beef jerky and beer.