Aziz Ansari really cares about your dating life.

Well, not yours in particular, but the problems we all collectively face in the era of online dating. Ansari, the popular comedian known best for his stand-up specials and for starring in Parks and Recreation, is out with a new book that tackles the ripe subject of dating.

Titled Modern Romance, it is funny in parts, informative, and surprisingly earnest. Ansari details how much the frustrations of modern dating have impacted his life—unanswered texts, the fear of not finding the perfect soulmate, being trapped behind a screen. But those looking to find a silly book full of bawdy jokes about awkward dates and dick pics should look elsewhere.

Sure, there are jokes sprinkled in throughout, and Ansari’s particular brand of pique certainly shines through. However, most of the book is dedicated to the science and data accumulated by psychologists, sociologists, and dating services as well as Ansari’s own research.

He visited nursing homes to understand past generations. He held focus groups in big cities and small towns. His trips abroad uncovered interesting nuggets like the tremendous impact Snapchat has had for women living in Doha.

In an interview with The Daily Beast, Ansari opens up about the ease of cheating with technology, the sexual crisis in Tokyo, and getting the silent treatment.

Why did you want to write a book about modern romance?

I was doing some of this material in my stand up and I would talk about these kind of dilemmas where you text someone, but you don’t hear anything back, but you look online and you see them posting a photo of a horse. So you’re like, “What the hell is going on? I know you got my message? Why haven’t you responded?” As I did this stuff, I realized everyone has these little dilemmas that are unique to them, but they’re actually quite universal. Everyone is dealing with this nonsense in different ways. So I thought a book that explored that and had an academic insight into the new romantic world that everyone is in would be interesting. So that’s what I set out to write, and did.

Part of the book is looking at the change in dating over the past few decades. What was biggest difference between now and the pre-digital era?

Beyond the technology stuff, the biggest difference is the overall change in how we perceive marriage. I went and talked to all these people in retirement homes, and when you talk to them about marriage it was so different. Most of them married somebody that lived in their neighborhood, that they dated for a brief period of time, and their parents met and were like, “Oh, they aren’t murderers. It’s fine. Get married.” When you talked to the women about it, it was really interesting. You know they were 20 years old, and until they got married they were in their homes living with their parents and they couldn’t do anything. They did not have basic adult freedoms.

So I asked, “Part of getting married was just to get out of the house?” They would reply, “Yeah. I couldn’t go to college. I couldn’t start my own career. This was my only way out.” They seemed sad that they couldn’t have a period where they were independent adults that could do whatever they want. That’s a period every young person has now and takes for granted—where you’re out of your house and dicking around, whether it’s in college or whatever city you’re in and doing different jobs. It’s a huge deal. This life stage called “emerging adulthood”—it’s a huge luxury that I think a lot of people take for granted.

Marriage back then was the first step in adulthood. For a long time it was more an economic institution—finding someone to take care of you. Finding someone to start a family with. This intense romantic love wasn’t a big part of it.

There’s a really crazy statistic I found from a study in 1967, where 76 percent of women said they would marry someone they were not romantically in love with. That’s a crazy number. That number’s nothing like that now. That was part of the overall shift from what was called companionate marriage to what we have now, which is soulmate marriage, which is finding somebody that makes you go crazy and—as I say in the book—anytime you touch their hair, you get a boner.

Why do you think people are so frustrated today with the current dating scene?

A couple of reasons. I think text messaging is a really frustrating medium. I think people get frustrated with these games. I think if you boil it down, people are frustrated that they are spending so much time on their screens and not with people in real life. The people who are least frustrated are the people who are hanging out with people and not on their screens.

Another thing is that we have so many options and it’s overwhelming for people. In the past, your options were very limited. Especially a few generations ago like that retirement home community era, you just had the people in your neighborhood. They had a much smaller pool to draw from. More recently, before online dating, you had people you work with, friends, friends of friends, or people you meet at a bar or something. It was a very finite pool.

Now it seems like you have unlimited options between online dating and everything else overwhelming. Your initial instinct is that the more options you have, the better off you are, but study after study shows the reverse. The more options you have, the harder it is to make a choice. And when you do make a choice, the less satisfied you are. That’s what people are dealing with in relationships.

Again, those that are frustrated are those trying to meet as many people as possible and find this best person. It’s a recipe for misery, because how many people do you have to meet until you are sure you’ve met the perfect person? Every single person there is! That’s impossible! So I think people are very quick to dismiss somebody and move on because there might be somebody out there, and not really giving people a chance. You don’t really get a connection with people until you really give them a chance.

So the book starts with you getting the silent treatment from a girl. What is worse, getting the silent treatment or outright rejection?

I think every person has their own opinion on that. I think the silence thing is kind of rude. I get it, and I’ve done it before too. You’re trying to avoid a confrontation and you assume the person will get it. But they’re going crazy over their phone, and you’ve been in the other spot so you could probably be more courteous. I feel like there’s a classy way to send someone a text saying you aren’t interested, but it’s very difficult to craft. I get it: It’s hard. I don’t fault anyone for doing that. I personally wish there was a version that was easier to swallow. Ideally, they’re just like, “I’ll give him a chance.”

You talk about this later in the book about people getting angry over spelling errors or misinterpreting texts. We’ve all been misinterpreted, misspelled things, given the silent treatment. So why are we unable to have perspective when it’s done to us?

I think it’s hard for people to put themselves in other people’s shoes and keep that perspective. I think it’s hard to take a beat and remember when it happened to you. When you’re on the other end of that, and you’re getting frustrated and sad because you’re getting the silent treatment—you really liked that person, and you’re really invested. When you’re silencing other people it’s usually not people you’re emotionally invested in. So I think you’re quicker to dismiss them and not really think about their feelings, which sucks. I hope people read the book and think, “Oh man, I shouldn’t be shitty like that. We’re all in the same boat. We’re all dealing with the same nonsense.”

But, it’s not easy, because if you’re a woman, and you say you aren’t interested, some guys don’t fucking get it. They keep bothering and bothering and bothering. There are examples like that where some guys don’t get the message, or some women don’t. And they keep going. So you understand the silent treatment. You’re like, “What the fuck? What do I have to say to this person. I said no ten times!” But they keep responding asking for coffee. So you’re like, “Fucking hell, man! What do I have to say?”

You bring up one of the criticisms of mobile dating apps, which is that they promote superficiality. You write that you disagree with that. Why?

Whatever your preferences are, you’ll have those same preferences in real life. If you choose not to hit on someone who looks a certain way at a bar doesn’t mean you’re racist or against whatever their characteristics are.

You also write about the ease of cheating with technology. Do you think technology in and of itself has made more cheaters?

I don’t think you can answer that yes or no. I think it does give you access to this whole world of people you definitely wouldn’t have had access to before. I think it gives you a private place to communicate with people clandestinely that you didn’t before. I mean you can have super intimate conversations with people that no one will ever know about, and just delete them. Now, if you’re a woman trying to cheat on your husband, you can be texting with someone all fucking day and no one will ever know. That’s definitely new.

Do you differentiate between physical and digital?

That’s not my place to say. Some people would argue, “Well, that’s a way to get that out of my system without hurting someone. But someone else could claim, “Yeah, but that hurts someone, too.” I don’t know. That’s all murky territory.

Sexting gets touched on in the book, especially given how prevalent it is. What would you say to parents concerned their teenager is sexting?

I’d say kids do bad stuff and they usually end up fine. Don’t worry about it. Kids always do bad stuff growing up. Just hope your kid’s nice and works hard.

So you went to a lot of different places to do research, including Doha and Buenos Aires. But what the hell is going on in Tokyo?

Tokyo was insane. It was really interesting to go there because they are having a crisis now A huge chunk of the population isn’t interested in dating or sex or marriage or relationships. That’s really crazy. That’s a big thing for a huge chunk of the population to be not interested in those things. There’s a stat in there that 45 percent of women and 25 percent of men say they despise sexual contact. Despise! That’s a crazy aggressive word to use for your feelings about sexual contact. The government is spending money to get people to date.

I had to reevaluate all my thoughts I had going in. I thought they were so on the cusp of the latest technologies, I’m sure it’s crazy with online dating and apps and stuff, but none of it was really taking off. You talk to them about online dating, and they tell you, “Yeah, it doesn’t really work here. People don’t like posting their photo, it feels really narcissistic. So they post photos of other stuff.” So I asked, “Like what?” They told me, “A guy will post a photo of a cat, or of a rice cooker.” That’s your photo? A fucking rice cooker?

They have these guys that fit this trend of the person they call a “herbivore man.” It’s a guy who isn’t really interesting in sex and super shy. The gender roles there are evolving so quickly, and I don’t think the men or women have found a right way to kind of adjust to the changes in the culture.

What do you hope people who pick up the book walk away with?

Spend more time with people, less time in front of a screen, and—since we’re all in it together—be nice to people.