Bill Maher, the outspoken comedian and TV host, and Donald Trump, the orange real estate mogul turned leading Republican candidate for president, have an interesting history. In the midst of Trump’s racist birther crusader against President Obama, Maher made a crack on the Tonight Show joking he’d donate $5 million to charity if Trump produced a copy of his birth certificate to prove he’s not the “spawn of his mother having sex with an orangutan.” Now Trump, who isn’t the biggest fan of the First Amendment—and has never met a lawsuit he didn’t want to file—sued Maher for $5 million over the joke (he later withdrew the suit), leading the comic to tell the thin-skinned heir to “suck it up” on his program Real Time with Bill Maher.
So you knew Maher would have a field day with Trump’s insane performance in Thursday night’s GOP debate in Detroit, Michigan.
For those who missed out on the madness, Trump defended the size of his hands—and other possible shortcomings—during the debate. He felt moved to do so after fellow Republican candidate Marco Rubio had fired back at Trump for calling him ‘Little Marco’ by mocking Trump’s tiny hands with the line: “And you know what they say about men with small hands? You can’t trust them.”
“Look at those hands, are they small hands?” exclaimed Trump during the debate, extending his lil digits to the viewers. “And, he referred to my hands—‘if they’re small, something else must be small.’ I guarantee you there’s no problem. I guarantee.”
If that weren’t enough, after Mitt Romney delivered an impassioned speech branding Trump a “fraud” and “phony,” the Twitter aficionado said that when Romney ran for president in 2012, he “would have dropped to his knees” for his endorsement.
“After a week capped off, by the way, by the debate last night where the Republican nominees are belittling each other over weenie size, the current Republican frontrunner is talking about the Republican nominee from last time blowing him,” said Maher on Real Time. “And then, Donald Trump yesterday was on Good Morning America or the Today Show—one of those—and said, ‘Once I’m elected I will be very, very presidential… Yes, once I’m elected, but until then Mitt Romney can suck my dick.’”
Then, Maher did his best to unpack Trump’s penis proclamation—a veritable comedy gold mine if there ever was one, but also low point for American politics. “Could there ever be a better argument for a women president than the fact that the members of the other party are arguing over their dick size?” said Maher. “I could not believe Trump last night. This was, like, in the first two minutes of the debate. He had to respond to this accusation, which, if you haven’t been following, Marco Rubio all week was saying that Donald Trump has small hands, and you know what they say about men with small hands? Yeah, they put up tall buildings with their name on them.” “So, Trump had to make sure everybody knows he didn’t need to make his penis great again—it was already great,” Maher continued. “He actually came out there and said, ‘I guarantee you there’s no problem. I guarantee you.’ Over to you, FactCheck.org. And maybe we should, you know what? I mean, come on: Trump lies about everything else, we gotta know. Come on, Don, you’re the guy who made Obama show his birth certificate. We need proof. Show us the Dick Certificate. Let’s see it.”
The Real Time host also managed to sneak in a joke about Ben Carson bowing out of the race—you know, the soft-spoken neurosurgeon who cameos in terrible Hollywood movies, once boldly claimed to have disarmed a gunman at a Popeye's using only his words, and believes the pyramids were built to store grain.“I noticed they waited for the black guy in the race to drop out before they started comparing their dick size, so you know what, Republicans? Just forget about delegates and have a dick-measuring contest,” joked Maher. “Reince Priebus can come out with a ruler, whoever’s got the biggest wins—and has the chance to have Hillary lop it off in the general election.”