In case you’ve failed to turn on a TV set or go online for the past few days, Pope Francis and his sporty, Cher Horowitz-inspired Jeep Popemobile has invaded the U.S.A.—and he comes with his own hashtag icon on Twitter. It’s Beatlemania people, as fans of white robes and Catholicism line the streets to greet the Bishop of Rome.
And the Pope’s most teary-eyed and tannest of cheerleaders, Republican Speaker of the House John Boehner, was apparently so moved by the Pope’s speech before the intransigent, GOP-controlled Congress, wherein he preached “cooperating generously of the common good,” that the man formerly known to his high school friends as “Boner” decided to step down from his post.
Well, it doesn’t get juicier for Real Time host Bill Maher than sad Republicans and organized religion, so the political satirist naturally had a field day, announcing, “the last time a guy in a dress got this much attention it was Caitlyn Jenner.”Transphobic jokes aside, he continued: “But who knows what’s in a man’s heart! Boehner has always been terrible on immigrants, terrible on the environment, and the ultimate crony capitalist ‘til the Pope comes to town and basically shits on everything he stands for,” said Maher. “Maybe hearing Francis speak, he decided to devote his life to helping the poor and fighting climate change. No. He’s going to be a lobbyist for Volkswagen. Maybelline discontinued his shade of bronzer and he had to quit.”
Maher said there’s no concealing that “conservatives do not like” Pope Francis and his anti-Gecko Greed Is Bad message. But, after giving the Argentinean props for bringing awareness to climate change, he stated that the Pope believes “in some form of utter nonsense,” and isn’t as progressive as a lot of people make him out to be.
“He opposes gay marriage, he opposes gay adoption, he opposes transgender rights, against all forms of contraception, against all forms of abortion, ruled out women priests,” Maher said. “He's more like Rick Santorum than Bernie Sanders.”
“I think it’s the easiest job in the world,” he continued. “I mean you’ve got tenure. You’re selling an invisible product that you don’t have to prove exists. Everything you say people agree with, and you’re playing the infallible card. I mean, what other business could you be in where you’re involved with a horrible child-fucking scandal and you didn’t lose most of your customers? I don’t think it’s that hard a job.”
Then he went back to the Catholic Church’s backwards treatment of women, who are still prohibited from ordination.
“The women thing. He’s such a smart guy, he must know that it’s caveman time to still be saying that women can’t be [priests],” said Maher. “He was at St. Patrick’s [Cathedral] and saying to the women, ‘I love you,’ but apparently not enough to put you on equal footing.”
Of course, since this is a comedy program on HBO, Maher also got in a few cheap cracks at the Pope’s expense, joking, “The Pope said the one regret he had was he didn’t go inside the Statue of Liberty because it would be nice to say that, for once in his life, he spent some time inside of a woman.”