On Friday night, Bill Maher began his monologue by taking aim at—as is his wont—President Trump and his State of the Union address. But a few beats later, he weighed in on Amazon founder Jeff Bezos’ dick—and how the National Enquirer blackmailed him over pictures of it.
“Jeff Bezos, richest man in the world, owns the Washington Post, which attacks Donald Trump. And the National Enquirer works for Donald Trump… So it’s a real billionaire with a real newspaper against a fake billionaire with a fake newspaper. And the Washington Post’s motto is ‘democracy dies in darkness,’ and the Enquirer’s motto is ‘Jennifer Aniston has twins, but Loni Anderson ate them.’”
That wasn’t all. “So, the Enquirer got hold—last week, did you see these? Oh my God, they’re pretty embarrassing—of texts from Jeff Bezos, showing that he is having an affair with Lauren Sanchez, a TV personality, I don’t know what that means. So, Jeff Bezos said, ‘Hey, the Enquirer did it on the orders of Trump. They’re working for Trump.’ And the Enquirer said, ‘Shut up about that. You shut up about that or we’re going to show everybody your dick. And they’ll know it’s your dick, Jeff Bezos, because under the dick it’ll say, ‘There are some other dicks that you might enjoy…’” he cracked.
Indeed, Bezos wrote an op-ed on Medium accusing the National Enquirer’s parent company, AMI, and its chief, David Pecker, of “extortion and blackmail.”
“Bezos’ dick is hanging tough, because… he fired back today. He said, ‘Go ahead, show my dick to the world. You can’t blackmail me, because I’m telling on you first.’ So I applaud that. And don’t lose faith in democracy, people,” offered Maher.
“But… isn’t the larger question… have dick pics ever worked?” he said. “I mean… Jeff… I know you’re rich, but there’s something you should know: there is something in your pants that makes women want to fuck you—your wallet.”