Calvin Harris Is So Over Taylor Swift That He Wrote a Whole Breakup Song

Calvin Harris is totally over Taylor Swift, and he’s not crying right now. Calvin Harris is so over Taylor Swift that he and his six to nine abs wrote a song that definitely isn’t about Taylor Swift!! Like any pseudo artistic ex-boyfriend with a bootleg copy of GarageBand, Harris knows that the best revenge is dropping a fire reggae collaboration. It’s an age-old recipe from the Petty Crocker cookbook: just mix some sultry vocals, a smooth island sound, and a taste for revenge—throw some controversial cheating accusations on that bad boy and you’ve got a geriatric grind track that’s sure to make Taylor Swift cry.

The glorified diss track is seemingly written from Tom Hiddleston’s POV. That’s right, in an imaginative feat of epic proportions, Harris has somehow managed to put himself in the shoes of a different minor celebrity who is currently dating his ex-girlfriend. How does he do it? The song opens “Low-key, you won’t tell none of your friends about me.” We instantly know that this is a cheating ballad, and the “Loki” homonym is clearly an allusion to Hiddleston’s role as Marvel villain Loki. You are very clever, Calvin Harris!

Harris-as-Hiddleston continues, “I see online that you've begun to be a good girl and take trips with your boyfriend, being attentive, continue to pretend…You've hidden my name on your phone so you can call me to tell me you’ve been going through hell. Left him alone and you booked in a hotel." This is the SoundCloud equivalent of a steaming pile of shit left on Tay Tay’s Rhode Island doorstep. It’s also a bit of a sonic suicide bomb—Prince of Petty Calvin Harris doesn’t care how cuckolded he makes himself look, as long as Queen Bee Taylor Swift also looks bad in the process. It’s a classic scrappy underdog story, except the underdog is extremely unlikable and no one really cares.

The John Newman collab draws out the many contradictions of America’s antihero, Calvin Harris—a fascinating enigma trapped in the body of a 32-year-old douchebag. “Olé” is full of chill; Calvin Harris has none. “Olé” is actually a pretty fun earworm; Calvin Harris makes me sad. As a human being, I hope that Calvin Harris buys an extra large bottle of Yellow Tail, writes some lipstick aphorisms on his mirror, and exorcises that belly button-less vixen from his heart once and for all. But as an entertainment reporter, I’m kind of hoping he doesn’t get over Tay Tay too soon—at least, not until he posts all of their texts on Instagram and gets forcibly removed from the set of Thor: Ragnarok.

It’s about time someone threw a wrench in Hiddleswift’s trans-Atlantic love tour. The desperate duo have been spotted going to first base on a series of unsuspecting rocks across the Eastern Seaboard, and taking romantic getaways to England and Australia. On the Fourth of July, Swift corralled her “friends” and “boyfriend” for an entire weekend which she spent taking Instagrams, (probably) talking shit about Selena Gomez and making Cara Delevingne corroborate that Tom Hiddleston’s hair does in fact look sexy pushed back. In light of Taylor’s aggressive social media showboating, Harris’ pathetic attempts to drag his ex almost feel justified. We get why you’re salty, Calvin, and we feel your pain—Taylor never gave you a “I heart TS” tank top, and it would look way better on you! Tom Hiddleston doesn’t even lift!

Of course, a source is claiming that this song “has nothing to do with Taylor,” with insiders corroborating that the incendiary track was written months before Harris and Swift split. Alternatively, Calvin Harris is totally in on the Hiddleswift conspiracy and this whole cheating scandal is just another publicity stunt in Taylor Swift’s master plan. Olé!