Chrissy Teigen isn’t holding back. In a personal essay titled “Hi.” published on Medium, the model and wife to singer John Legend detailed her recent miscarriage of son Jack in devastating detail. Teigen wrote that she was on bedrest for more than a month in attempt to “get the little dude to 28 weeks, a ‘safer’ zone for the fetus.” She said that she’d had problems with her placenta for her entire life and suffers from partial placenta abruption, which disrupted her previous pregnancy with son, Miles. Teigen had abnormal bleeding that one day became worse, and after a short time in the hospital, she was told that her baby would not make it. “I cried a little at first, then went into full blown convulsions of snot and tears, my breath not able to catch up with my own incredibly deep sadness,” she wrote.

Teigen said she asked her husband and mom to take photos of her despite their obvious discomfort and hesitation—and she later posted one on social media when sharing news of the miscarriage. “I cannot express how little I care that you hate the photos. How little I care that it’s something you wouldn’t have done,” she wrote. “I lived it, I chose to do it, and more than anything, these photos aren’t for anyone but the people who have lived this or are curious enough to wonder what something like this is like.”