In a hyperbaric chamber somewhere in the universe, a single perfect tear is marring Beyoncé’s perfect I woke up like this "natural" makeup.
As everyone with an Instagram account and working set of ears knows, Ms. Knowles is a beautiful celestial being who was sent to this earth to teach us about our jelly, redefine what it means to be a pop icon, and ensure that no one ever looks at a surfboard in the same way again.
But underneath the perfect body, inimitable voice, and made-for-GIF dance moves, Beyoncé is just like anyone else.
At least, that's what aspiring rapper Liv is alleging in her new diss track, "Sorry Mrs. Carter," which attempts to take Bey down a peg, insisting that her husband's philandering nature makes her look like a silly, passive wife. Bey's being accused of being a poor role model for young women? Your move, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie.
To place Liv's fantastic Garage band gem in its full historical context, one need only refer to the ever-expanding treasure trove of news stories, opinion pieces, and rumors surrounding Beyoncé and Jay Z's six-year marriage. Not since the Malaysia flight went missing has the media said so much about so little. While a flurry of recent reporting is suggesting that Bey and Jay are riding their shared Mrs. Carter Tour straight to divorcetown, the "facts" at the heart of this rumor are fairly inconclusive. After all, those lucky fans that risked bankruptcy in order to see Bey and Jay perform will testify that the two look closer than ever; they've even been "caught" snuggling offstage.
Still, Page Six's exclusive informant (is that you, Blue?) insists that the first couple of hip-hop have been living in separate hotel rooms while on tour, and that Bey has even been shopping for her own bachelorette pad (a magical place where "Single Ladies" plays on repeat and Beyoncé invites all her girlfriends over to play Bachelorette drinking games and try on all her concert clothes).
While there have always been whispers about Jay Z's rumored infidelities, the tabloid fervor reached an all time peak back in May. #TBeyT to elevator-gate, that infamous clip of Solange Knowles physically attacking her brother-in-law as sister Bey quietly looks on. The leaked footage seemed like evidence that Jay Z was in fact fooling around, and the Carter family statement did little to squash the rumors. Just last weekend, Beyoncé alluded to the fiasco in her “Flawless” remix, rapping “Of course sometimes shit goes down when it’s a billion dollars on an elevator.”
But while Bey and Jay have yet to face rumors of their imploding marriage head-on, alleged Mr. Carter mistress/former model/ professionally trained boxer Liv has no such qualms. After being linked to Jay in various tabloids, Liv decided to set the record straight. In an interview, Liv insisted that Jay Z tried to make her "his girl when he's in town." But Liv isn't even like that! "For me, I’m not that chick. I could do a lot of things. A lot of girls do a lot of things behind people’s backs … I have a lot of respect for Beyoncé, as an artist, as a woman, as a wife, as a mother."
And while Liv may very well have a unique definition of "respect," the term, as we understand it, seems incongruent with her latest artistic endeavor, a straight up diss track set to Outkast's "Sorry Ms. Jackson." The video opens on Liv casually applying some lip-gloss. The low rent shot quickly turns from YouTube makeup tutorial to full girl on girl fight when Liv declares, "Your man, he likes model chicks. He likes all naturally flawless model chicks like me," which, as far as accusations go, is about as subtle as the lyrics of "Blow."
The camera jumps from Liv applying lip-gloss in front of a window to applying even more lip-gloss in front of a mirror, as she continues to drop the kind of knowledge that merits a life sentence from the Beygency. Gems include "F*ck f*cking to the top, me and Jay never screwed / We connected on some hip-hop shit / He could be himself with me, and he did." Unlike Rita Ora, who she totally calls out for sleeping with Jay, Liv is alleging that she actually turned him down. Basically, she's saying that Jay prefers her to Beyoncé and connects with her on a deeper level, but that she's essentially too good for him and his philandering ways. In other words, she's a "mistress" trying to publicly embarrass the wife of the man she slept with, except she's insisting that she didn't even have sex with him! This is some next level, craziest girl in your sorority type shit.
Liv keeps laying into Jay-Z, calling him out for using his fame and fortune to seduce women under the illusion of helping them to the top. After she's done with the Hov, Liv changes out of her casual spider web top and dream catcher earrings into something more comfortable: a bikini. She then proceeds to settle into her hot tub with a glass of red wine for some one on one girl time. Looking straight into the camera as if to say "Hey Beyoncé! It's your girl Liv! Lets rap about new feminism, hip-hop and infidelity," she begins, "You got a good girl / Why she messing with a bad guy? / F*ck you doing with a rap guy? / Down to ride 'til the very end / He never kissed you / Never held your hand." While this particular allegation might seem nonsensical, it's actually a whole lot more reasonable than what comes next, proving that word vomit isn't a sprint, it's a marathon.
Liv proceeds to throw on a demure white shawl over her bikini, break out a bottle of vino, and pour one out for Bey and Jay's failing marriage, continuing, “It's time to tell these young girls some real shit / Tell them how you became a wife / You out here telling them how to surfbort / Come on now, surfboards?" At this point, she executes an amazing exaggerated eye roll, which is, to be fair, the only natural response to a married woman's extremely public ode to her husband's surfbort. As much as it contributed to tropical vacation Instagram captions, we all knew that analogy was a stretch, and I'm glad someone finally came out and said it.
As the camera slow-mo pans over Liv's body, she leaves us with one last spoken word revelation: "Why don't you talk to these young ladies? They need you. Somebody has to change it. If you won't, I will. Yes Liv Can. The invasion has begun." This woman is either totally insane or the future first female president.