After raking in $94.4 million over the long V-Day weekend in one of the biggest R-rated box office openings of all time—handily beating out its YA forerunner Twilight and topping that other R-rated paean to flogging, The Passion of the Christ—Fifty Shades of Grey has officially fulfilled its destiny as a bona fide franchise-starter filled with whips, nips, and breathlessly vanilla BDSM.
And, Holy cow—for those whose virgin eyes haven’t experienced the entirety of E.L. James’s mommy porn trilogy, even more pain awaits.
On the big screen, expect more cringeworthy dramatics from Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan, who politely tease and spank their way through Fifty Shades of Grey’s tame sexcapades as the mousy virgin Anastasia Steele and her handsome billionaire BDSM enthusiast-boyfriend, Christian Grey. Although Universal and Focus Features haven’t formally green-lit the next two installments, Fifty Shades Darker and Fifty Shades Freed, their star duo are inked for the sequels, and given the first film’s box office haul they’re an inevitability.
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Director Sam Taylor-Johnson may not be onboard to helm the next flick given her much-ballyhooed creative beefs with author and producer E.L. James during filming. And Kelly Marcel, who penned Disney drama Saving Mr. Banks before adapting the global kink phenomenon, was conspicuously absent from the Fifty Shades press tour while the studio was reportedly looking for a new scribe.
So as the box office bucks settle, here’s what we do know: Fifty Shades’ cinematic foreplay has only just begun. The incendiary sex politics of Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey’s sub-dom “romance” only get more convoluted in the book sequels as E.L. James’s soap-operatic plots ratchet to preposterous heights. (Marriage! Unplanned pregnancy! Actual screen time for Rita Ora! Butt stuff! Enough shenanigans to fill two or three more sequels, perhaps?) Strap in for a taste of what lies ahead for fans and hate-watchers of the BDSM blockbuster.
Fifty Shades Darker
The second book picks up three whole torturous days after Anastasia broke things off with her spank-happy Christian in the cliffhanger conclusion of Fifty Shades of Grey.
Although she’s landed a sweet gig at a Seattle publishing house right out of college without having to endure a single unpaid internship, Ana is utterly depressed. Worse, she no longer has the Audi Christian bought her and must take the bus to work. THE BUS. Flowers from Christian congratulating her on the new job only push Ana deeper into abject darkness.
“It’s been five days. Five days of agony that has felt like an eternity. I cry myself to sleep at night, wishing I hadn’t walked out, wishing that he could be different, wishing that we were together. How long will this hideous overwhelming feeling last? I am in purgatory.”
Cut to Day Five Without Christian: Ana is so distraught she can’t feed herself. Ana flies with Christian by private helicopter to her old pal’s art opening. Christian criticizes her weight, her shoes, and her friendship with Jose, whose exhibit consists of photos of Ana. Jealous Christian buys every single picture so no one else can look at Ana. Swoon?
One steamy make-out sesh and a steak dinner later, the dom and his fave sub are back on. Ana is rewarded with her old laptop and BlackBerry, and a brand new iPad loaded with her fave e-books and Coldplay jams.
“This iPad, these songs, these apps – he cares. He really cares.”
Domination over every aspect of Ana’s personal and sexual life isn’t enough for Christian Grey. He buys the company where Ana works, becoming her boss’s boss’s boss. She bristles at the power trip. He melts her heart by telling Ana about his crack whore mother whose pimps abused him before she killed herself, then makes an ice cream sundae out of Ana, who clearly hasn’t seen 9½ Weeks.
“Oh yes!” he groans as he slams into me. He’s sticky—the residual melted ice cream spreading between us.”
Ana tries really, kinda, sorta hard to protest her total financial dependency on Christian before he deposits $24,000 into her bank account. He takes her to the salon he owns to get her hair did, where she freaks out after meeting the “Mrs. Robinson” who stole Christian’s virginity at 15 and made him a bondage-happy sexual deviant.
Ana learns Christian has an extensive background report on her detailing all of her personal information. She bristles at the invasion, then happily dons the $540 corset and $3,295 Louboutins he bought for her. He bids $100,000 to win a dance with Ana at a charity auction. They bone. Hard.
Christian schedules a doctor’s visit to get Ana contraceptive shots. Of course he’s asked for her full permiss—nope. He just hates condoms.
“It’s my body,” I mutter, annoyed that he hasn’t asked me. “It’s mine, too,” he whispers.
Right. Christian buys Ana a new Saab (a Saab?). They bang at sea on his private boat. Christian spanks her with a ruler over a billiards table. They bone in an elevator.
Christian freezes the company’s accounts to stop Ana from going on a work trip with her male boss, Jack, then wipes their incriminating email exchanges off the servers. Meanwhile, his suicidal former submissive has gone bananas and holds Ana at gunpoint before Christian talks her down. Ana becomes jealous of her boyfriend’s ex-sex slave.
Christian proposes. Jack sexually harasses Ana. Ana finds the “butt drawer” in Christian’s Red Room of Pain. Christian criticizes Ana’s driving. They shop for houses. Christian’s helicopter goes missing and he’s feared dead.
Surprise! Christian’s not dead. He returns home, suspecting foul play. Ana accepts his marriage proposal. With family gathered to celebrate the happy couple, Ana gets in a catfight with Mrs. Robinson and throws her lemon martini into her face. Christian’s mom slaps Mrs. Robinson and Christian breaks off his friendship with the child-molesting cougar, then puts a big fat diamond ring on Ana’s finger.
Fifty Shades Freed
Finally, Ana and Christian are married! He takes her on a whirlwind honeymoon across Europe and throws a fit when she dares to sunbathe topless. Christian “punishes” her with a handcuffed sex sesh, after which she is horrified to discover he’s given her hickeys. She has LIMITS, you know.
They make up over gazpacho while at sea on the Mediterranean onboard their honeymoon yacht, and then he teaches her how to shave her own bikini line.
What on earth is he doing? He returns moments later, carrying a glass of water, a mug, my razor, his shaving brush, soap and a towel. He puts the water, brush, soap, and razor on the bedside table and gazes at me, holding the towel. Oh no! My subconscious slams down her Complete Works of Charles Dickens, leaps up from her armchair, and puts her hands on her hips. “No, no, no,” I squeak.
Driving home from a dinner, Christian and Ana are forced into a thrilling eight-page car chase. They hide out from their mystery assailant in a parking lot where they have car sex. Ana finally learns what a butt plug is. They watch The X-Files.
Christian is enraged that Ana doesn’t want to take his last name for professional reasons. She gives in; Meet Anastasia Grey. He tells her she only got a promotion because her creepy ex-boss got the boot. He gifts her the publishing house as a wedding present.
Ana defies Christian’s orders to stay where he wants her every waking second of her life and sneaks out for a drink with her BFF. Livid, he goes on a bender. Meanwhile, Ana’s ex-boss, Jack, breaks into their luxury penthouse home and is subdued by the help. Christian punishes Ana for disobeying him with a vibrator until she uses their safe word to make it stop.
Ana's ex-boss tries to burn Christian’s office down. Two of Christian’s former submissives pay Ana an awkward visit.
A car accident lands Ana’s dad in a coma. Meanwhile, Christian ties Ana up and teaches her how to masturbate on her 22nd birthday. Ana discovers she’s pregnant because she forgot to get her contraceptive shots but didn’t forget to stop banging her new hubby.
“Christ, Ana!” He bangs his fist on the table, making me jump, and stands so abruptly he almost knocks the dining room chair over. “You have one thing, one thing to remember. Shit! I don’t fucking believe it. How could you be so stupid?”
Christian drowns his sorrows by getting drunk with his ex. An infuriated Ana moves out. Before she has a chance to process the enormous life choice she’s just made, she gets a call from her former boss, Jack, who has kidnapped Christian’s sister Mia (Rita Ora!) and is demanding $5 million or she dies.
Ana goes into superhero mode and cashes out $5 million of Christian’s money. He’s convinced she’s making a run for it with their unborn child. She foils Jack’s plan by shooting him with the ex-sub’s gun leftover from Fifty Shades Darker, gets kicked in the ribs, and blacks out, waking up to a loving husband who now appreciates what he’s got and no longer wants to abort his own baby.
He finally opens up about his twisted masochist origin story because her love has fully penetrated the nether regions of his heart. Two years later, Ana and Christian have blissfully normcore BDSM sex as she’s pregnant with their second child.
They live fifty shades of happily ever after.
