In her new Forbes cover story, Silicon Valley sorceress Kim Kardashian flips through a binder of emojis, approving new images for her $1.99 Kimoji keyboard. In addition to graciously informing us that our desktops are outdated, worthless pieces of trash (“I love my big computer, but I can’t even tell you the last time I sat in front of it,” she told the magazine), Kardashian divulges that she is “really intrigued with the tech world.” The tech world is feeling her too; released way back in December, Kimoji remains among the top 50 paid apps on iTunes. While we don’t know exactly what kind of revenue this Kardashian brainchild has generated, Kim’s mammoth social media following would suggest that profits are in the millions.
As The Hollywood Reporter noted in their recent ode to Kimoji, emojis are a genius way to make money while simultaneously allowing your fan base to market your brand for you—an endless, nausea-inducing feedback loop of celebrity self-promotion. Naturally, Kimoji’s success triggered an onslaught of copycat keyboards. In light of this market saturation, we’re here to help you decide which celebrity emoji keyboard has earned a spot on your smartphone.
Justmoji by Justin Bieber
Whether you’re a diehard Belieber, Selena Gomez in a moment of weakness, or an EDM connoisseur with a taste for very expensive beats, every Justmoji downloader has one crucial thing in common: $2.99 to spend on a Justin Bieber emoji keyboard. For the price of a large piece of Canadian maple candy, you can peruse these images of Bieber’s favorite things, which include a Bible, Justin Bieber’s face, Justin Bieber’s abs, and Justin Bieber’s boxer-briefed crotch. Justmoji is the perfect emoji keyboard for anyone who doesn’t feel weird sending their friends a cartoon rendering of a 22-year-old’s junk. If you’ve ever wanted to ask someone “Where Are Ü Now,” but don’t know where the umlaut is on your iPhone, this just might be the celebrity keyboard for you.
Kimoji by Kim Kardashian
Your waist is better-trained than a Victorian debutante’s and your acrylic fingernails prevent you from doing simple tasks like opening your apartment door or extracting a single grape from a bowl of grapes. You’re a perfectly contoured blank slate on to which fans and critics can project their deepest fears and most fervent desires. You enjoy mimosas, Googling yourself, and long walks from your glam room to your walk-in closet. You own Yeezys. Let’s be real, you probably downloaded Kimoji in December.
Fetty Wap Emoji
Your dream: Shot in your left eye during a badass gunfight
Your reality: Glaucoma
Your emoji keyboard: Fetty Wap emoji pack (available through the Moji keyboard)
MuvaMoji by Amber Rose and ChyMoji by Blac Chyna
You and your bestie are two sexually liberated ladies just trying to make it in a man’s world; naturally, you communicate almost exclusively through MuvaMoji and ChyMoji. These two emoji keyboards cover your full range of feminine emotions, from “feeling myself at the club” to “I’m With Her” to “pregnant in a crop top.” The combined power of Blac Chyna and Amber Rose gives you all the tools you need to seduce a Kardashian and/or remind your baby daddy what he’s missing.
Rick Ross Emoji
When given a choice between lobster and steak, do you order the Surf and Turf? Do strangers sometimes come up to you and call you Channing Tatum? Do you have a “more is more” approach to accessories, facial hair, and year-round furs? Are pears the best fruit?
Sheenoji by Charlie Sheen
Are you looking for the perfect way to tell someone that they should get tested?
Wizmoji by Wiz Khalifa
Are you looking for the perfect way to tell someone that you smoke weed?
Gabbymoji by Gabby Douglas
Are you INCREDIBLE?