Don Draper vs. Tyrion Lannister? Betty vs. Cersei? Jace Lacob imagines 10 tongue-in-cheek battles between the characters of AMC’s Mad Men and their Game of Thrones counterparts on HBO.
With the return of AMC’s Mad Men and HBO’s Game of Thrones, Sunday evenings have become a tug of war, with the two critical darlings exerting an irresistible pull on the faithful.
It’s hard to escape certain similarities between the two shows: both take place in distant times (OK, Game of Thrones, based on George R.R. Martin’s A Song of Ice and Fire novels, is set in another world altogether), both delve into racial and religious issues this season, and both feature heavy drinking, illicit relationships, and completely inappropriate workplace behavior in worlds that celebrate ambition, cruelty, and Machiavellian power grabs.
Which raises an imaginary question: what if the ad men and women of Mad Men were forced to fight to death with their counterparts in the Seven Kingdoms of Westeros? Would Don Draper (Jon Hamm) take down Tyrion Lannister (Peter Dinklage)? Just how are Bert Cooper (Robert Morse) and Varys (Conleth Hill) alike? And who is more of a sociopathic boy-king: Joffrey Lannister (Jack Gleeson) or Pete Campbell (Vincent Kartheiser)? In the game of thrones, you either play or die…or you just black out from drinking too much.
By Jace Lacob
The heroes of their own stories, these two men don’t seem all that similar on the surface, but they’re essentially mirror images where it counts. Both Don and Tyrion have a fondness for women, wine, and wealth, in various order depending on the time of day or night. They both were outcasts with backstories involving tragic prostitutes (Don’s mother died in childbirth; Tyrion lost his poor, doomed love Tysha) and they’re both master manipulators, selling anyone whatever they want with a wink, a smile, and a well-turned phrase. They’re forever looking forward and both have a lot to prove, looking to carve out a hold on the power structure that goes beyond their humble origins.
Who would win: Don isn’t known for holding his own in a fight, shamefully losing that office fistfight with Duck Phillips (Mark Moses), as he was too drunk to connect a punch. Plus, Tyrion is far more cunning and deadly, and would effortlessly slip some Tears of Lys into Don’s Scotch. Permanent blackout time for Don Draper.
AMC; HBO
Icy, slap-happy blondes with childcare issues, Betty and Cersei are reigning queens who refuse to be humbled by their philandering husbands or defined by their children, of which each has three (two sons and a blond cherub of a daughter, for those counting). Their own worst enemies are themselves. Forever plotting and scheming, they’re done in by their own deep psychological issues and inappropriate extramarital relationships: a pregnant Betty with Henry Francis (Christopher Stanley) and Cersei with her twin brother, Jaime (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau).
Who would win: Betty may seem dainty, but we’ve seen her wield a shotgun. However, her massive weight gain has likely rendered her sluggish. (She can blame all those Bugles and ice-cream sundaes.) Cersei would have Betty’s throat slit by her guards in a King’s Landing minute, but if these ladies faced each other one on one? It’s a definite draw.
AMC; HBO
Both unwitting mothers—Peggy to a child she gave up for adoption after not knowing she was pregnant, Daenerys to, er, three dragons she hatched from priceless eggs—they are both ill-used by the men in their lives until they seize power for themselves. Their respective journey is that of a transformation from a powerless girl to a powerful woman in a man’s world.
Who would win: If the battle were a race for the toilet, it would be Peggy’s all the way. (She’s a pro at that, as we learned this week.) The closest Peggy has gotten to a dragon was the cockroach in the Acropolis at a Greek diner, and Daenerys proved that she’s only too willing to step into the flames, meaning that this is no real contest: the Mother of Dragons prevails.
AMC; HBO
Rebellious to a fault, these two are the favorite children of their respective fathers, who value their daughters’ wild, independent streak and modern perspective. Both girls cut their hair—one out of spite, and the other out of necessity—and have had to make do with distant mothers and a houseful of brothers, and find their own way in a turbulent time of change. Sally is adept with a drinks cart and mixing Manhattans, as well as running away to said city, while Arya proved she was able to find a way in and out of King’s Landing.
Who would win: Sally prefers a record needle to a sword, while Arya is armed with her own blade, Needle. That said, Sally makes a mean batch of pancakes topped with rum, but there’s no way she’s making it out alive from even a single water dance with Arya.
AMC; HBO
Mysterious and always lurking about on the periphery, seemingly without offices of their own, Cooper and Varys, attuned to the mysteries of the universe and the philosophies of the Far East, are alike in so many ways, not least of which is that neither of them has their balls anymore.
Who would win: Varys might consort with little birds, mice, and spiders—who whisper their secrets in his ear—and he might play the game better than anyone, but Bert Cooper will outlive us all.
AMC; HBO
Dark-haired foreign beauties from distant shores (Megan hails from Canada, while Shae comes from, er, elsewhere) these two have their lovers—whom they met through work—instantly charmed, with both couples quickly going from casual hookups to exclusive status. Megan can sing and dance and channel Sophia Loren, while Shae performs for her significant other in other ways. Neither is particularly adept at housekeeping or cleaning, and both would prefer not to work in the kitchen, but both are in touch with their bodies and their sexuality. And both like their city views.
Who would win: Zou Bisou Bisou. Megan all the way.
AMC; HBO
Equally sociopathic and ruthlessly ambitious, Pete and Joffrey could have been separated at birth. Both usurp the power of the father figure in their lives (Pete with Roger and Joffrey with King Robert) and replace him without a second thought, reveling in the humiliation suffered by their elders. They’re both entitled and bratty, and neither likes the décor in his office. Plus, they’re both potential psychopaths. Remember how Pete raped that poor au pair? Look for an insane Joffrey scene in Episode 204 that puts Pete’s crime to shame.
Who would win: Pete, without a doubt, though he’d probably complain that the throne room isn’t big enough. After all, Joffrey once got taken down by a little girl (Arya) and a slap from his mother nearly reduced the bratty king to tears. Separate him from the Kingsguard and he’s just another arrogant, whiny child.
AMC; HBO
Fiery redheads who have power over men and know how to use their sexuality to get what they want. While Joan’s influence extends over the books at Sterling Cooper Draper Pryce, Ros appears well placed to know the goings-on at one of the most profitable businesses in King’s Landing. Despite their intelligence and ambition, both discover that they can’t have it all, and that there’s a glass ceiling preventing them from scaling the ranks to where the true power is kept. Both figure prominently in storylines involving babies this season.
Who would win: Joanie for certain. We all know she’s secretly deadly with that pen she wears around her neck, she took out Joey (Matt Long) with a withering comment last season, and motherhood hasn’t slowed down her drive at all, even if she’s not at her “fighting weight.”
AMC; HBO
Masters of coin who have run-ins with prostitutes at various times in their professional lives, these two are pining away for women they can’t have while failing to pay attention to the ones already in their lives. Both Lane and Petyr are outsiders with overbearing fathers who have proved themselves good with secrets and currency, and are rewarded for their discretion and their talents.
Who would win: Littlefinger. Lane might try to pull a Godzilla move on King’s Landing’s resident mockingbird, but we all know he’s too much of a gentleman to get his hands dirty, even when hit over the head with a cane.
AMC; HBO
Boozy and blind to what’s really going on within their own empires, these two seem like natural bosom buddies, whoring and drinking into the wee hours and suffering from terrible mood swings and overindulgence. They each foolishly lost their power by failing to keep their eyes on the prize and are trapped in loveless marriages to younger women. While Robert is done in by a strike from a boar (and some poison from his unloved wife Cersei), Roger’s killer is Lucky Strike.
Who would win: Roger, as he is always up for a fight. Plus, despite his heart condition, he’s still got some moves left in him. That is, unless he’s gotten too deep into a bottle of Scotch.
AMC; HBO
