Big [email protected]*&king Deal

Happy Birthday Joe Biden: Gift Ideas for the Vice President

A new Trans Am? Michelle Cottle rounds up the best gift ideas for the vice president’s big 7-0.

Matt Rourke / AP Photo

As if the atmosphere in Obamaland needed to get any more festive, today is Joe Biden’s birthday!

A mere two weeks after surfing those swing states to a second term, the VP is turning the big 7-0. Wow. Seventy years of being Joey: how wild has that ride been? And the next four years promise to be chock-a-block full of such delights as fiscal-cliff arm-twisting and giving Paul Ryan a sympathetic grimace each time they cross paths in the NBC green room.

In many ways, Biden is the personification of this great nation—loud, proud, messy, emotional, ambitious, generous, irrepressible, and ultimately unsinkable—and the advent of his eighth decade calls for celebration. But what do you get the man who’s already had the pleasure of watching Karl Rove scramble to explain what he bought with all those super PAC millions?

Not to worry. The political chattering classes never run out of thoughts on matters of such national import. Herewith, the Top 20 suggested gifts for feting our 47th VPOTUS in all his over-the-top glory:

• His very own Amtrak conductor’s hat • A 1981 Pontiac Trans Am with gold snowflake rims • A $50 gift certificate to Kildare’s Irish Pub in Scranton • Crest Whitestrips • A note from Johnny Rotten, who said after the Veep debate: “I look at Biden, and I see myself there.” • A Get-Out-of-the-Quiet-Car-Free card • A Fiscal-Cliff-Diving Vacation package • A 50-50 tie vote in the Senate, so he can break it • Jorts! • “Stuff”* • A “Hail to the Chief” ringtone • An autographed copy of the collected speeches of Neil Kinnock** • A filter • A gift certificate to Dairy Queen • An extra foot • A private lane through the Delaware toll booths • A post-dated condolence card for his 2016 primary loss to Hilary Clinton*** • His very own alphabet book: “A is for articulate. B is for bright. C is for clean …” • The secession of Iowa (and other early-primary states) • A promotion

*There were, in fact, multiple nominations for this.**Ouch.***Come on, people, it’s the man’s birthday!

(h/ts to trenchant political observers: John Avlon, Jonathan Cohn, Ben Finley, Karen Finney, Erika Josephson, Christopher Orr, Hilary Rosen, Andrew Romano, Winston Ross, Michael Steel, Scott Stossel, and Jason Zengerle)