Just yesterday we barely knew what luging was, let alone that we would meet our future husband through the sport. But, hey, love works in mysterious ways, and Cupid apparently got himself a last-minute plane ticket to Pyeongchang.
It’s been barely 24 hours since luger Chris Mazdzer laid down on that cute little toboggan of his and slid his way down that terrifying-looking ice track thing right into U.S. Olympic history, but more importantly into our heart. On Sunday, the 29-year-old Massachusetts native became the first American in history to earn an individual medal in luge, nabbing the silver. It coincided roughly exactly with the moment that we, collectively as a nation but more importantly I on my couch, realized that he could totally get it.
What can I say about my husband-to-be? Nothing you can’t tell just by looking at him.
He’s got those ruggedly handsome looks, like the Brawny man got himself an expensive haircut and some beard oil. He gives off that wholesome-mischievous vibe, both sexually non-threatening and, whoo-ee, sexy as hell. He looks he’s the kind of guy would cook you dinner while wearing an apron with a punny phrase on it—”Hot Stuff Coming Through!”—but then blackout with you on whiskey right after. Your mother will love him, but this is also a guy who lays down on two rail-thin blades and hurdles down an ice chute at 80 mph—he’ll be naughty where it counts.
And that physique? That bodysuit leaves little to the imagination, as NBC’s luging crotch-cam has been more than happy to remind us. God did good with this one.
In all seriousness, we looked into more of this gold-medal hottie’s interests and hobbies—as revealed in this EW interview—and, friends, he is perfect.
When he has a free weekend, he binges This Is Us. We have ourselves a man’s man who’s not afraid to cry over a Mandy Moore monologue. When he’s warming up for his Olympic runs, he listens to EDM, which, ew, but he attones by listening to folk rock ballads afterwards. Brandi Carlile is a favorite.
He reads, my friends, with The Unbearable Lightness of Being listed as his favorite book of all time. Currently he’s into “intellectual” and “thought-provoking” books like Fast and Slow by Daniel Kahneman. His favorite podcast is Mysterious Universe.
What else can I tell you about my lover? This is his third Olympics—he finished 13th at both the 2010 Vancouver and the 2014 Sochi Games—though this is his first time as a medalist and bonafide international hottie.
Here he is celebrating New Year’s and the fact that he has exactly the right amount of hair on his chest and torso by diving into a lake. Our Chrissy’s such a goofball!
Here he is holding a golden retriever. Wow, now we’re pregnant.
And this photo is just because journalism is a public service and the people deserve to know.
Last March he went swimming in South Korea and it was a very important moment for us as a country.
Earlier this month, he participated in a Cosmopolitan video in which male athletes strip while reciting sports-themed pickup lines. “I took second today, so you could come first,” he said as he undressed, previewing what will be out evening together tonight. He had another line, too: “Do you play in the Olympics? Because I brought my luge.” Heaven’s me. (Skip to 1:44 for the most significant piece of video content the world wide web has ever produced.)
There are other things you should know about Chris Mazdzer, like the fact that he reportedly has a girlfriend. Gross. But that hasn’t stopped him from, in the course of the last 48 hours, becoming the internet’s crush, our collective boyfriend, and my future husband. We haven’t broken the news yet to previous boyfriends Italian figure skater Matteo Guarise and Timor-Leste flag-bearer Yohan Goncalves Goutt, if you could kindly keep all of this on the D.L.
Here are some more of his fans: