Happy Album Release!

In Honor of John Mayer’s New Album, 11 Things to Know About His Penis

It’s racist, trendy, and not nine inches: 11 things you might not know about John Mayer’s penis.

Everyone knows John Mayer is kind of a dick, even John Mayer. “My two biggest hits are ‘Your Body Is a Wonderland’ and ‘Daughters,’ he said in a 2010 interview with Playboy. “If you think those songs are pandering, then you’ll think I’m a douche bag. It’s like I come on very strong. I am a very … I’m just very. And if you can’t handle very, then I’m a douche bag. But I think the world needs a little very. That’s why black people love me.”

With regrettable interviews like that, Mayer made a name for himself as a soulful and seemingly soft-hearted crooner with a bipolar personality. With playful lyrics such as “You tell me where to go and / Though I might leave to find it / I’ll never let your head / hit the bed / Without my hand behind it,” you might not take Mayer for a ladies’ man, but you’d be wrong. “There have probably been days when I saw 300 vaginas before I got out of bed,” he has said.

Tuesday’s release of Born and Raised, Mayer’s latest album, seems almost like an apology for those crude words. In a recent interview, Mayer took responsibility for his outbursts of a few years ago and said he hoped people will now “want to receive” his music. (Eloquently put for a man whose advice on how to listen to his albums used to be “Just listen to the song, bitch!”)

The single “Shadow Days” has a country twang and lyrics that boast: “I’m a good man with a good heart / Had a tough time, got a rough start / But I finally learned to let it go.” For the video Mayer takes PG-rated road trip, ruefully singing in a casual cowboy hat and worn jean jacket by the side of an evergreen-laden icy pass. He walks down a dirt road and hums to his feet. We almost feel bad for the guy. Almost.

While Mayer may be attempting to rebrand himself with Born and Raised, we’re not entirely convinced. A long-running log of his interviews shows that his No. 1 love has always been his own genitalia. He has shown his appreciation with constant references to his peen in any and every media outlet. And so, possibly ruining every ounce of romantic melodrama in Mayer’s new lyrics, we give you—11 things you didn’t know about John Mayer’s penis.

1. It’s racist.“I don’t think I open myself to it [black women]. My dick is sort of like a white supremacist. I’ve got a Benetton heart and a f**kin’ David Duke cock. I’m going to start dating separately from my dick.” (Playboy, 2010)

2. It likes porn. “When I watch porn, if it’s not hot enough, I’ll make up backstories in my mind. My biggest dream is to write pornography.” (Playboy, 2010)

3. It wants to give Tiger Woods some advice.“I am the new generation of masturbator. I’ve seen it all. Before I make coffee, I’ve seen more butt holes than a proctologist does in a week. I mean, I have masturbated myself out of serious problems in my life. The phone doesn’t pick up because I’m masturbating. And I have excused myself at the oddest times so as to not make mistakes. If Tiger Woods only knew when to jerk off.” (Rolling Stone, 2010)

4. It’s trendy. “I’m getting my bikini wax for the Mayercraft Carrier. Should I go with heart or lightning bolt?” (John Mayer’s Twitter account, @johncmayer, 2009)

5. It’s not nine inches.(On Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize) “What’s he going to do, send it back? It’s like I’m getting a wrongful bulge in my pants and everyone’s thinking I’ve got a nine-inch cock. I’m not going to argue with them, I’m going to let them think I have a nine-inch cock.” (Vulture.com, 2009)

6. It wants to be sluttier.“I should be having sex with more girls … It’s crazy to me that in my head, that being 32 and dating women is going to get me in trouble. I can’t even explain to you how terrible that feels, that I equate dating a woman with punishment, shame, guilt, disappointment, reproach, reprimand, persecution. It’s a nightmare.” (The New York Times, 2009)

7. It flirted with Perez Hilton.“The only man I’ve kissed is Perez Hilton. It was New Year’s Eve and I decided to go out and destroy myself. I was dating Jessica at the time, and I remember seeing Perez Hilton flitting about this club and acting as though he had just invented homosexuality. All of a sudden I thought, I can outgay this guy right now. I grabbed him and gave him the dirtiest, tongue-iest kiss I have ever put on anybody—almost as if I hated fags. I don’t think my mouth was even touching when I was tongue kissing him, that’s how disgusting this kiss was. I’m a little ashamed. I think it lasted about half a minute. I really think it went on too long.” (Playboy, 2010)

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8. It can fire alien weapons.“I don’t jerk off because I’m horny. I’m sort of half-chick. It’s like District 9. I can fire alien weapons. I can insert a tampon. No, I do it because I want to take a brain bath. It’s like a hot whirlpool for my brain, in a brain space that is 100 percent agreeable with itself." (Rolling Stone, 2010)

9. It was addicted to Jessica Simpson.“That girl, for me, is a drug. And drugs aren’t good for you if you do lots of them. Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me ... Sexually it was crazy. That’s all I’ll say. It was like napalm, sexual napalm." (Playboy, 2010)

10. It likes to go camping.“Like, you need to have them be able to go toe-to-toe with you intellectually. But don’t they also have to have a vagina you could pitch a tent on and just camp out on for, like, a weekend? Doesn’t that have to be there, too? The Joshua Tree of vaginas? ... I’ll be happy when I close out this life-partner thing. Think of how much mental capacity I’m using to meet the right person so I can stop giving a fuck about it." (Rolling Stone, 2010)

11. It’s humble.“If I was playing it so I could meet hot chicks, I’ve met hot chicks, quote unquote. If I was playing it to make a ton of money, I’ve made a ton of money. If I was playing it to be well-known, I am well-known.” (Playboy, 2010)