The haircut that has come to be associated with Jersey Shore, Jägerbombs, juiceheads, and GNC enhancement substances, is no longer one Iranians will see on the street. The blowout, as made famous by MTV’s DJ Pauly D., has taken on a new approach from the guidos of Seaside Heights to the Javad of Tehran. But unfortunately, the style that requires an excessive—debatably contraband—amount of gel to perfect can now lead to arrests as Iranian police have been asked to carry out regular morality crackdowns to ensure the purity of male haircuts in the Islamic region. While the helmeted (and slightly mulleted) look may not have much cultural value as the government sees it, Americans would be hard-pressed to imagine Full House Uncle Jesse (or the accompanying Rippers) without the style that often elicited his catchphrase, “Watch the hair.” And as his niece Stephanie Tanner would say to Iran’s Cultural Ministry, “How rude!”
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The product of a young man trying to not look like he’s trying to style is hair has been known to populate many a famous red carpet. But seemingly, the not-so-effortless approach oozed its way over to the Western Asian country and officials are not fans of teen heartthrob Zac Efron’s signature style. The messed-up, yet again highly gelled look did not fit in with the largely clean-shaven approved hairdos the Iranian government has sanctioned. According to the Telegraph, using hair gel is legal, but in “modest” quantities. “The proposed styles are inspired by Iranians' complexion, culture and religion, and Islamic law," explained Jaleh Khodayar, head of a Modesty and Veil Festival later this month where the guide will be promoted.
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The classic “business in the front, party in the back” guise took a turn for mostly party when the wild man of professional tennis, Andre Agassi, took the courts with an overgrown blond mullet that looked more like a dead animal atop his now bald head. In his revealing book, Open the ace admitted that his ‘80s exaggerated hairstyle was a form of rebellion, an attempt to hide a receding hairline, and a wig. “That wasn’t me under the mullet,” he wrote. “That was someone trying to figure out what ‘me’ meant. “And perhaps that’s what many Iranian men are trying to do in fashioning their hair into similar styles. But now, they’ll be punished for their paths to self-discovery. The mullet did not make the Ministry’s list of green lit looks, but really, it’d be difficult to stand on the pro-party/business side of the argument since the hairstyle has long been viewed as criminal. (Sorry to break your achy breaky heart, Billy Ray Cyrus.) Nonetheless, the newly forbidden follicle faux pas exemplifies a noticeable pattern in Iran’s government oppression and hair volume, which seem to correspondingly increase. Perhaps when it comes to the mullet, Obama should consider following Ahmadinejad’s stance.
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For those in the in-between, who are looking to rebel, but also stray too far from the straight and narrow, the turn of the century solution was the fauxhawk, which entailed men (and women alike) pushing their hair towards the center of their heads to create a peak. But even this slight wave is now seemingly too much for Iranian men. From soccer stud David Beckham to pop punker Pete Wentz to Latin lover Ricky Martin to the notorious father of eight Jon Gosselin, famous men everywhere changed up their ‘dos by collecting their locks into a minor mound. Still, the height is seemingly enough to get a rise out of the Iran’s powers that be—they do not approval of “Livin’ la Vida Loca.”
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Parents never understood Christopher “Kid” Reid’s hairstyle. The rapper-turned-actor, known as one half of Kid ‘n Play as well as the star of the House Party franchise, helped defiant youths reach new heights with his hair and eyebrow-raising look that peaked a foot above his head. Though he’s now 46, his signature box cut seemingly finally made it to Iran, despite the fact that it won’t be seen there for long. The sky high style will not pass the Iranian police officers’ standards for their regular morality checks and barbers who administer such looks are equally as responsible for harboring the Westernized (albeit two-decade old) hairdo. “Several barber shops have allegedly been shut down and penalized in recent years for offering Western-style haircuts,” the Telegraph reports.
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Whether the spikes are pointing due North or due South, jagged edges are now forbidden in Iran. Though Project Runway’s winning designer Christian Siriano let his piercing locks fall flat instead of stick up, his signature fierce and ferosh style is clearly too much of a “hot tranny mess” to pass the Iranian government new codes of coiffed conduct. Perhaps the flamboyant look is a bit too high fashion for the Muslim country and probably too taboo for a place where gender bending will get you bent. Don’t worry, Christian—pre-tabloid train wreck Kate Gosselin approves.
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While this violet shirt sporting Iranian man’s hair makes the grace via profile shot, the volume atop his head—and accompanying copious amounts of gel to keep it that—do not meet the new code. In America, the look simply signifies this guy is likely to use some sort of stock pick up line in a seedy bar to get a non-scarf-wearing woman’s phone number. But in Iran, it’s likely to put him behind bars instead. The style has, however, worked for Lindsay Lohan’s ex-boyfriend and former That ‘70s Show star Wilmer Valderamma. It’s actually one of the least douchey approaches he’s taken with his hair, considering he’s also been seen which a goatee, which seemingly, the Iranian government does not have a problem with.
Although this look had been long associated with studs, chains, and heavy metal in the 80s, at the turn of the century, a muted take on the rebellious Mohawk once again became popular thanks to the country’s favorite celebrity child, Maddox Jolie (now Jolie-Pitt). Before even entering kindergarten, Angelina Jolie’s first adopted son became a trendsetter with his adorable approach to a style that once connoted anarchy. Perhaps that’s why the ‘do is now a “don’t,” according to Iran’s Culture Ministry. "We don't have a backward attitude. We are trying to present new hairstyles while preserving tradition and observing Iranian culture," Jaleh Khodayar, secretary of the Hijab (Islamic dress) and Chastity Festival, told Reuters. “This is how we will fight back against the Western cultural invasion.” Sadly for Iranians, there will be no more business on the sides and parties down the middle. Still, we can’t help but wonder what their ruling is on “The Bieber”?
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