"I recognize that my dad’s communication style is not to everyone’s taste. And I know his tweets can feel a bit unfiltered. But the results speak for themselves.” Perhaps not the best phrase to utter mid-pandemic, but Ivanka Trump seemed not to be tethered to such terrestrial worries.
It was an ambitious speech filled with flourishes and corporate doublespeak. It was a fancy speech filled with words, and ideas! They were needless to say all lies, but they were polished lies: Heritage Foundation-style lies, not tacky Gateway Pundit-style lies like Junior uses. Ivanka is a sophisticated, Wall Street Journal opinion page liar and not a tacky New York Post-level liar.
This has not been an amazing convention for the Trump children. Donnie started off the week all red-eyed and begging daddy for a hug. He was followed by his girlfriend’s terrifying, much-memed Eva Peron act, where she asserted her immigrant status, seeming to forget that Puerto Rico is actually part of the United States.
Night 2 featured the forgotten children, Eric and Tiffany, begging daddy to remember them too in the will, along with Tiffany’s imperishable “connecting” with her cash-strapped fellow recent graduates. Night 3 included Eric’s wife using a made-up Abraham Lincoln quote: "Abraham Lincoln once famously said, 'America will never be destroyed from the outside. If we falter and lose our freedoms, it will be because we destroyed ourselves.’" The quote is widely used in Facebook memes but is not actually something he ever said.
But all of that nepotism was just a warm-up to the president’s favorite child, Ivanka.
Before we get back to the speech, let us take a moment to reflect on all of Ivanka’s many successes! There was her women’s global development and prosperity initiative, which even had a logo! And then there was Ivanka’s “Try something new!”, which I guess was inspired by Ivanka’s many jobs—model, sweatshop queen, scion of the family real estate business! And then there’s all the meetings Ivanka has with all the people, and all the talking! But Ivanka’s actual accomplishments are pretty sparse. That said, we recently discovered that Jared decided to let the blue states die when he was involved in the coronavirus task force. This is ironic because both Jared and Ivanka come from blue states and puzzlingly think they’re coming back to them when this authoritarian fever dream is over, if it’s ever over.
But it hasn’t been all meaningless initiatives, making boatloads of cash and hanging out with powerful people. Ivanka has had her share of disappointments and troubling moments too! There was the family separation, which Ivanka spoke out against. Of course that was after her dad had signed an executive order ending it June 2018, but it’s more than Eric did. And Ivanka did wear a mask during the deadly pandemic that killed 180,000 Americans, so I guess that’s theoretically more than her dad did. And then there’s—no never mind, that’s it.
So I had extremely high expectations for Ivanka’s speech on Thursday night, the last night of lying and pretending that coronavirus wasn’t killing a thousand-plus Americans a day, or, as we call it, the Republican National Convention. It’s important to mention that this speech was actually breaking the law and all of the RNC activities at the White House are a violation of the Hatch Act. The Hatch Act was something Republicans used to care about before they joined the Cult of Trump.
Ivanka came out in a black top, all long blond hair and bare-necked. Her makeup was perfect, her skin looked extremely dewy; Ivanka is the prettiest version of the Trump women’s oddly-smooth-skin, enormous-lipped embodiment of female beauty.
She was excited to have her turn, quickly calling her billionaire gold toilet-using father “the people’s president.” I mean, I don't know, who those people would be? President Xi? Vladimir Putin? There is a jubilant stupidity to the president’s daughter that makes Marie Antoinette look like Marie Curie. But hey, she’s charming!
Ivanka was extremely excited to tell us that her father has signed so many bills and gone to so many meetings. But that is not where the president’s daughter speech ended, she also mused on “American greatness,” “Middle East Peace” (sort of), and whatever else she could think up. What’s nice about listening to an Ivanka Trump speech is that she says many, many words, most of of them completely and utterly meaningless, but she says them in a very happy and cheerful way!
She then led a “four more years” chant. Ivanka then mused about her father's failed trade war and what a good idea it was. I mean, a lot of farmers in Iowa might disagree with the president’s trade wars being good for America, but Ivanka doesn’t really know any of those people.
“My father did not campaign on this issue. He tackled this injustice because he has a deep compassion for those who have been treated unfairly,” Ivanka said of her father, the beneficiary of an enormous family fortune.
She tried to humanize her father the sociopath by talking about how much he loves his grandchildren and avowing that he really does, even though he’s never ever expressed it, feel bad for all the people he’s killed inadvertently though his incompetence. I mean we just have to take her word for it, right? “I’ve been with my father and seen the pain in his eyes when he receives updates on the lives that have been stolen by this plague.”
“Donald Trump has changed Washington!” Ivanka proclaimed with zeal in front of the White House, a taxpayer-funded entity now used for her dad’s re-election campaign. Yes, Ivanka, we know your dad’s changed Washington. He’s also changed America and the world. But not for the better.
Ivanka clearly believes that speech was the first of many on her meteoric rise to her rightful place as president. After all she designed plastic handbags—she should hold the highest office in the land. But sadly for Ivanka, and luckily for America, her father’s supporters are far too misogynist to ever elect her.