Last week, it appeared as if Donald Trump’s foremost sexual fantasy—the United States going to war with China—could become a reality.
OK not entirely. But in a video conference with Admiral John Richardson, the U.S. Chief of Naval Operations, Chinese Navy Chief Admiral Wu Shengli threatened the U.S. that if they kept up to what they were doing in the South China Sea, there could be a serious confrontation “…or even a minor incident that sparks war” between the two countries.
You see, the Spratly Islands in the South China Sea are home to potentially huge reserves of oil and natural gas, rich with fish, and also home to some of the world’s biggest and most lucrative shipping lanes, with over 10 billion barrels of oil moving through them per day. So, China has been engaged in a territorial dispute over the Spratly Islands with the surrounding countries, including Taiwan, Vietnam, Brunei, Malaysia, and the Philippines.
And China was captured in satellite images building manmade islands in the chain in order to claim sovereignty. The U.S. is not a fan of China’s shady tactics, and last week sailed a warship 12 nautical miles from the Spratly Islands, which prompted the Chinese Admiral’s fiery response.
Fortunately for the world, Oliver has a secret weapon to diffuse the potential conflict: Grammy-winning saxophonist (and Garth Algar nemesis) Kenny G. “Kenny G is a really big deal in China,” said Oliver. “In fact, throughout the country, his song ‘Going Home’ is piped into shopping malls, schools, train stations, and fitness centers as a signal to people that it’s time to leave. Seriously, this has been happening for years.”
It’s true—Kenny G’s 1989 instrumental hit “Going Home” is played all over China as a signal for the Chinese to go home. The New York Times published a fascinating piece about the head-scratching phenomenon. “And frankly, is it any wonder the Chinese people love that song so much? Just listen to it! Oh, that is smooth,” cooed Oliver. “That’s so smooth it’s like wearing a mink coat in a bathtub full of lube. It’s almost impractically smooth. Listen, Kenny G is clearly our secret weapon. He has an uncommon ability to make the people of China stop what they’re doing and go home to relax. If we could only harness that power of subliminal suggestion for good, we could all live in a slightly safer world.”
Then, without further ado, Oliver welcomed out “future winner of the Nobel Peace Prize: Kenny G.”
“China, I know you want these islands. I know you want them real bad, China, but I’m guessing you’re feeling a whole lot more relaxed about the situation right now, aren’t you?” Oliver announced as Kenny G played “Going Home.” “And I’ll tell you why you are: ‘cause Kenny G is pouring liquid velvet into your ears right now. No one can start an international incident to this sound. Can they Kenny G? Can They?! No, of course they can’t! They can barely move! This is like being shot with a silk horse tranquilizer!” Followed by the kicker: “Kenny G lets his saxophone do the talking, and right now, it’s telling everyone to CALM THE FUCK DOWN.”