It’s a story straight out of Black Mirror. Last week, tabloid rag the Daily Mail published an excerpt from Call Me Dave—the upcoming unauthorized biography of U.K. Prime Minister David Cameron. In the book, co-written by outspoken Cameron critic Lord Ashcroft and Isabel Oakeshott, a member of Parliament who was a “distinguished Oxford contemporary” of Cameron’s says the future prime minister “put a private part of his anatomy” into a dead pig’s mouth as part of an initiation ritual to Oxford’s famed men-only dining club the Piers Galveston Society. Naturally, the Internet ate the story up, and the hashtag #PigGate began trending worldwide.
And naturally, this would-be scandal is catnip for John Oliver, the brilliantly witty—and very British—host of HBO’s Last Week Tonight.“If you’re thinking, ‘What about David Cameron could possibly be captivating?’ well, just wait,” Oliver announced with a grin, before going into the loaded allegation.
“Bizarre is a kind way of describing it,” he continued. “Because the actual allegation is that a dead pig’s head was resting in the lap of a dining club member, and then, and I quote, ‘… the future PM inserted a private part of his anatomy into the animal’s mouth.’ Yes, this book actually contains a claim that David Cameron, prime minister of the U.K., once put his dick in a dead pig’s mouth. And look, this is just the word of a single source published in an unauthorized biography; we do not know if this is true. But please, please let it be true, because a prime minister receiving oral copulation from a dead pig hits the perfect sweet spot between one of the most horrific things ever and one of the most amazing things ever.”
Granted, co-author Isabel Oakeshott’s evidence for pubishing the claim seems more than a bit thin. As the writers note in the book, since it’s based on a single source, “Perhaps it is a case of mistaken identity. Yet it is an elaborate story for an otherwise credible figure to invent.”
Then, Oakeshott went on a TV program in the U.K. and said, “We thought about whether to put [the story] in or not, but in the end it made us smile.”“[That] really sounds like something David Cameron would say after sticking his dick in a dead pig—if he did it! If he did… Which he definitely did,” proclaimed a giddy Oliver. “I honestly don’t want to look into this story too closely in case it falls apart, but to ignore it simply because it might not be true is to look a gift horse in the mouth—a mouth tenderly wrapped around the thrusting penis of British Prime Minister David Cameron.”Oliver then noted how funny it was seeing British morning show hosts struggle to discuss the specifics of the story without discussing the specifics of the story, throwing to a clip from The Wright Stuff wherein a caller mentioned Cameron “putting his cock in a dead pig’s mouth” on air, much to the chagrin of the show’s host.
“OK, but in that caller’s defense, ‘putting his cock in a dead pig’s mouth’ probably is the politest possible way to say it,” said Oliver. “Consider the alternatives: ‘David Cameron was sucked-and-fucked by a Christmas ham.’ Is that better? Is that better?! ‘David Cameron received an unenthusiastic blowie from one-third of a BLT.’ Do you prefer that? You tell me a delicate way to put this! Go on Twitter right now and tell the British media a more polite way to put it using the hashtag #RESPECTFULINTERSPECIESFACEFUCK.”
Later on in the program, Oliver ripped “noted swine-fellatio enthusiast” Cameron for his unfortunate reaction to the Syrian refugee crisis, with the PM repeatedly referring to the refugees by the uninviting word “swarm.” Although perhaps expecting any degree of politesse from a man who may have face-fucked a dead pig is asking too much.