Today, Forbes announced that Justin Bieber is the highest earning young entertainer under 30. During a 12-month evaluation time span, the artist formerly known as Biebs managed to rake in an estimated $80 million (give or take drug dealer fees, paparazzi hush money, and miscellaneous egg related expenses). According to Forbes, despite his recent legal and moral hiccups, Bieber is on the up and up—he has 56.6 million Twitter followers, made bank off of the tail end of his world tour, and is almost done with his anger management classes. Somebody give this man-boy a cookie (or an edible)!
Additionally, the 20-year-old naughty cherub is also reportedly at work on a new album. Plus a long-awaited reunion between Selena Gomez and Justin Bieber's publicity teams seems more than overdue—so at least we hardworking, life-having, grown-ass adults have that happy ending to look forward to. While Bieber appears to have proven that entitled white boys really can have it all (oh, was that not the question?), we've assembled a little list of those who make less than him. Read it and literally weep.
1. President Obama
With a yearly salary of only $400,000 dollars, our president’s annual income would hardly cover Bieber's diaper budget. By the implicit laws of capitalism, I'm pretty sure this makes Bieber the new commander in chief. Here's to hot boxing Air Force One and replacing the White House portraits of former presidents with framed Instagrams of Usher and Miranda Kerr.
2. The ghost of Marilyn Monroe
The postmortem yearly income of this sex symbol's estate is dwarfed by the earning power of Bieber's pubescent six-pack, proving once and for all that tweens have absolutely garbage taste and mush for brains. In other news, black and white pin-up shots are now officially less valuable than life-size Tiger Beat tear outs.
3. Tom Brady
In 2013, Brady signed a $57 million dollar deal with the Patriots for being the best at what he does. He is an immensely talented quarterback who has dedicated his entire life to athletic excellence and discipline. If Justin Bieber were Tom Brady's son, Brady would most likely be unable to afford his weekly allowance.
Not to get personal, but unless the Koch brothers spend their free time scrolling through The Daily Beast entertainment section, you probably make a whole lot less a year than Justin Bieber. Why aren't you as successful as Justin Bieber? Why aren't you as talented as Justin Bieber? Why aren't you as handsome and/or Canadian as Justin Bieber? Do not move on to the next item on this list until you have thoroughly answered these questions.
5. Meryl Streep
Meryl Streep makes an eighth of what Justin Bieber does a year. Meryl fucking Streep. *Drops the mic*