Ah, Amsterdam. The freshest pop culture memory it conjures is that of a plucky, impossibly gentle teen who, oxygen tank in tow, experiences first love along the picturesque canals in The Fault in Our Stars. This is sort of like that—if you replace the O2 with Juvéderm and those tender sentiments with fireballs of crazy.
You knew it was coming, and now it’s here. On Tuesday evening, the favorite guilty pleasure of Oscar winners Eddie Redmayne and Jennifer Lawrence—The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills—aired arguably its most unruly episode yet, with its addictive she-wolfpack fleeing the Hills of Beverly for the land of prostitutes, Heineken, and van Gogh.
The stage had been set. In previous episodes, Lisa “I Don’t Know What the F--- I Am, Really” Rinna had expressed concern over the state of resident trainwreck Kim Richards (who, in all seriousness, needs to get off this show immediately and seek help). You see, Kim’s ex-husband slipped her a painkiller at a poker party at Eileen’s, upon which she saw The Matrix for what it really was: a house of cards that needed to be toppled by her fierce wrath. So she transformed into her version of a lioness (translation: a slurring, cursing mess) and wreaked havoc on her diamond-encrusted prey.
When Lisa first parachuted into that white party during the season premiere, she seemed cordial with the allegedly three-years-sober Kim, referring to her as her “Turtle Mama.” But now that once-gracious reptile has transformed into a Middle-Aged Mutant Ninja Turtle and agent of chaos. Using every ounce of jaw strength she had, Lisa cranked open her lips and told everyone within earshot that she was “concerned” about Kim’s so-called sobriety—because the only way to express genuine concern in gated 90210 is to tell everyone you know about someone’s problem. Kim, naturally, was not OK with this development and confronted Lisa whilst on a private jet, as one does.
“I don’t drink, I don’t take drugs, so please stop talking about me!” Kim screamed. “I was concerned about you,” Lisa replied.
Cut to Amsterdam, the home of Yolanda and windmills. [Editor’s Note: Yolanda’s pronunciation of “windmills” should be sold as a ringtone, it’s so goddamned special.] The blood had been boiling since their mile-high encounter, as well as an incident on the tarmac where Kim failed to acknowledge Lisa’s presence and a previous episode when Kim yelled at Lisa, “Don’t f---ing feel sorry for me, bitch. You don’t know what I go through at night.” But now the ladies were at dinner, and things appeared to be civil.
They calmly discussed the merits of prostitution—a subject that the one and only Lisa Vanderpump couldn’t quite wrap her bejeweled head around. “I don’t understand the prostitution rationale!” she exclaimed to the camera. “I don’t think you need a dick in your mouth to put food in their mouths, I’m sorry!” Bless her Swarovski-lined heart.
Then Yolanda, whose accent is just divine, had a sure-fire distaster of an idea: “In Beverly Hills, nobody really knows anymore da true core of who dey are as a human being,” she said. “And I tink dat dat, to me, is important.” So she asked the ladies to go around the table and share way-too-personal anecdotes with the group to forge “deeper” connections with each other. Oh dear.
Lisa started. The daytime diva got super emotional recalling the plight of her sister, who passed away at the age of 21 from a drug and alcohol overdose. She said she has “really deep-rooted issues about people dying from alcohol and drug overdoses” because it’s “in her DNA.” Then she delivered a heartfelt apology to Kim, saying, “I’m sorry if I’ve ever gotten into any of your business, I never meant to—”“—Well, you have,” interrupted Kim. Mic drop. Jaws on floor all around. After a few barbs, Kim went for the jugular, telling Lisa, “I’m concerned about you. First of all, let’s talk about…I’m concerned about you, and your situation at home.”
Lisa’s lips almost exploded.
“You want to bring up my stuff? Let’s talk about your home life,” Kim continued. Eileen tried to interject, but when she did, Kim pointed at her and yelled, “Shut your f---ing mouth! I’ve had enough of you, you beast.”
Eileen shot Kim a fantastic fusion of the nerve! and oh no she didn’t, and said, “You beast? How dare you. You came into my home…” They expressed their mutual hatred, which we already knew about, and then Lisa chimed in.
“Your behavior is not OK. It’s just not OK,” she told Kim, in classic patronizing fashion. Then Kim, sensing she’d lost the room, decided the only viable solution was to go full napalm.
“Let’s start with the husband,” she told Lisa in her gravelly, Pennsatucky voice. “Woof…Let’s not talk about what you don’t want out,” she said, ending with a casual Jordan shrug. Lips McGee, who is fiercely protective of her husband, then shouted: “Let me tell you something. Don’t touch my husband, ever. Don’t you f---ing EVER touch—”—cut to Kim—“If you don’t want it out for everybody to know, you better watch what you talk about me, or everybody will know. Everybody will know.”Then Lisa, like a fabulous phoenix with lips, rose slowly from her chair, seeing red. “You never go near my husbaaaaand!” she yelled, before channeling Charles Saatchi and motioning toward Kim’s neck. But she thought better of getting thrown in an Amsterdam prison and opted to grab a glass of water and douse Kim like the Gremlin she is before smashing the glass on the table. “Don’t you ever f---ing go after my husband!!!” Lisa yelled as she stormed out of the joint.
The next thing we knew, Kyle had found an escape hatch in the form of a sliding door and run out onto the streets of Amsterdam while the rest of the group was collecting their senses and picking glass out of their orifices.
Afterward Lisa admitted her wrongdoing. “I F---IN’ lost my F---IN’ marbles,” she said to the camera. “What the f--- does Kim Richards know? What does she know about Harry? What did he do? She doesn’t even know my husband!”
And the following day they made up and went bicycle riding through the countryside like nothing ever happened, because in these ladies’ world, well, nothing ever does.